Guidelines for living with Robots!
by Tatyana Witwicky
Summary: Want to live with Giant Alien Robots? But don't know how? Here is a simple guidebook/rulebook to help you!
1. Chapter 1

Alright! I'm following the trend!

I had to write a Guideline of my own!  
Featuring my character Tai, those of you who haven't read Meet the Cousin, you might want too before reading this!

Otherwise, you will get very confused!

This was inspired by the hilarious Author, Bloodredribbon! If you haven't read her story, do it!  
Word of advice: Don't drink liquid while reading.

That will result in mountain dew coming out of your nose! Very painful...:wipes nose:

Onward!

------

The guidelines for living with Giant Alien robots!

By Tatyana Witwicky

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Rule # 1: Never, ever make human limbs out of gelatin and carry them around casually, that will only cost massive mayhem, and questioning said person's state of mind.

(Moonracer still can't look me in the eye without twitching)

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Rule #2: Never start singing, 'Suddenly Seymour' whenever Simmons pays a visit.

(Even though it's as funny as hell)

(He still avoids me when he can.)

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Rule #3: Whenever you have bought something from a dental store, make sure to inform Optimus...especially when playing with the mouth separators.

(Scared Arcee half to death when I started laughing manically with nothing but my teeth showing.)

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Rule #4: Never piss Chromia off.

(Nuff said.)

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Rule #5: Don't assume that just because Sunstreaker lets me call him Sunny, that he'll let me ride in him.

(Got a nasty scar from that.)

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Rule #6: Always carry an extra pair of shoes whenever watching Mudflap and Skids.

(My aim is getting better every day!)

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Rule #7: Whenever General Morshower stops by or Defense Secretary Keller, never exclaim randomly. 'Blaaahhh, I am a Kraken' from the sea!'

(Dad grounded me for two weeks after that.)

(Was totally worth it though!)

(So there!)

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Rule #8: Never let Sunny or Sides play Fatal Frame IV.

(Sunny screams like a femme.)

(Sides and I still haven't let that go.)

(My ribs still hurt from laughing.)

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Rule #9: Never tell Ratchet he looks like a big, metal Bloodhound with a Civil War moustache.

(Barely avoided getting taken out by a wrench.)

-----------

Rule #10: Never show any of the Mechs or Femme's the people of walmart website .

(Just don't do it.)

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Rule #11: Never try to speak whale.

(Although, the look on Dad's face was freaking priceless!)

----------

Rule #12: Never let Sam use your skateboard.

(He will wind up getting hurt, and you will wind up getting blamed.)

----------

Rule #13: Never ask where Sparkling's come from.

(I've never seen Dad get out of a room so fast!)

-----------

Rule #14: Never give Annabelle voltage Mountain dew.

(Lennox made me go back to being the base Barista for a while after that one.)

(How was I to know she could climb up onto the rafters?)

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Rule #15: Whenever one of the Mechs asks what you like, never reply casually, 'I like poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick.'

(Ratchet made me do a mentality test.)

(I shockingly passed.)

-----------

Rule #16: Always be careful of what you are eating in front of them.

(Sunny actually threw up when I told him I was eating chocolate covered ants.)

(Which are better then they sound.)

------------

Rule #17: Never say Ironhide looks like Darth Vader on steroids.

(I nearly lost a hand.)

(But it was funny!)

------------

Rule #18: Never say to Jazz that Rap stands for, Retards Attempting Poetry.

(He didn't speak to me for about three days.

(Finally, got him too when I promised to spark with him.)

(Which was intensely amazing, btw.)

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Rule #19: Never drink water whenever Bumblebee is visiting.

(Dad ended up with a bunch of spit filled water in his optic.)

(My bad.)

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And finally, Rule #20: Never, EVER, under any circumstances, massage your scalp and mutter out loud...'I'm gonna have a stroke.'

(Ratchet kept me in the medbay for two weeks.)

(Dad wasn't pleased with my little joke!)

-------

Should I continue this?

:ponders:


	2. Chapter 2

Okay, this one will feature more Autobots.

I wanted to add a few more just for this, cause some of my rules would be damn funny with them!  
Alrighty!

Onward!

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Guideline for living with giant Alien robots!

Part 2!

By Tatyana Witwicky

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Rule #21: Never let Red Alert watch Jack Jack attack.

(He still won't go anyway near Annabelle.)

(Nearly sent him into stasis when I left a doll in his quarters.)

-------

Rule #22: Never let Lennox on a unicycle.

(Man, that was a lot of blood.)

(Dad and Ironhide wouldn't stop freaking out.)

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Rule #23: Never let Mudflap or Skids watch The Ring.

(All of the telephones still aren't working.)

(Had to replace cell phone.)

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Rule #24: When watching Titanic, never burst out singing during the sad parts..'Corpes bobbing in the sea!'

(Mikaela still hasn't forgiven me for that one.)

(Neither has Sarah Lennox.)

(Or Maggie.)

(But Glen and Sam thought it was funny.)

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Rule #25: Never encourage Ratchet to include 'Sweatin' to the oldies.' in the exercise regime.

(Epps hits very hard.)

(So does Sam.)

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Rule #26: Never stand near Jolt during a lightning storm.

(I'm not going to bother with a caption.)

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Rule #27: Whenever Psyche is at the base, make sure to clean up after her.

(I have never seen Sunny so pissed off.)

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Rule #28: Never make fun of your friends Boob size, then proceed to feel each other up, comparing them.

(Mikaela and I are still laughing at that.)

(The twins and Jazz won't stop following us.)

(Sam almost got an ulcer from laughing so hard.)

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Rule #29: When PMSing, it's best to leave the base for a few days.

(Wheeljack ended up with a wrench lodged in a bad place.)

(He asked for it!)

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Rule #30: Never, during lunch, exclaim randomly..'Yay! Wieners and peas for everyone!'

(Everyone gave me a bit of wide birth.)

(Leo laughed so hard, he started choking.)

(Ironically, on a hot dog.)

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Rule #31: Never let Mudflap and Skids out unsupervised.

(I ended up with over five thousand dollars in parking tickets.)

(Broke Skids hand when he told me they used a holographic version of me whenever they got pulled over.)

(Dad had to bail me out of jail.)

( Still refuse to talk to them.)

-------

Rule #32: Never drink Red Bull and Nyquil.

(Ratchet had to strap me down.)

(Took me four hours to calm down.)

-------

Rule #33: Never approach Red Alert with a ventriloquist Dummy.

(Should be obvious.)

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Rule #34: Never show Arcee or Moonracer Caramelldancen.

(Dad was still humming it two week slater.)

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Rule #35: Never challenge any Autobot to a staring contest.

(You will lose.)

(Badly.)

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Rule #36: When playing Fallout 3 and you have the bloody mess perk, make sure Red Alert and Wheeljack are out of the room. Also, don't laugh giddily when someone heads explodes.

(Still haven't gotten around to fixing the giant dent in the floor from where Red fainted.)

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Rule #37: Never call Jazz a 'hot piece of aft' when Optimus is in the room.

(Man, was he pissed.)

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Rule #38: Never take a picture of Ironhide, print it up, then write on it..'I can haz cheeseburger?'

(He still hasn't forgiven me for that.)

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Rule #39: Never sing the Batman theme song, but replace Batman with Trojan Man!

(Sam and I laughed hysterically for like two hours.)

(Jazz, Bumblebee, and Barricade thought it was funny too.)

(Older bots have no sense of humor.)

(Twins didn't get it.)

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Rule #40: Don't attempt Cybertronian unless you know what you are saying.

(Turns out what I said to Hound was..'There is a cat down my pants.')

(I didn't even know there were words for Cat and pants in Cybertronian.)

(Who would've thunk it?)

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Aha! Awesome!  
Chapter 2 already!

Riku, darling...I hope you found your Ipod!

I will keep praying to Primus!

Review!

Any rule Suggestions are welcome!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter three already!

Go me! These are too much fun to write!

Onward!

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The Guideline for living with Giant Alien Robots.

Part 3!

By Tatyana Witwicky

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Rule #41: Do NOT try to explain Toy Story or Madagascar to Hound or Perceptor.

(My head still hurts.)

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Rule # 42: Four words: 'Shun the Non-believer...Shunnn!'

(Poor Ratchet.)

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Rule #43: Never play 'Dick in a box.' on youtube.

(They think humans are strange enough.)

(Jolt suggested Electric shock therapy.)

(Ratchet threw a wrench at him.)

-------

Rule #44: Never hum the Twilight zone music when Ratchet does something nice and non violent for you.

(He didn't take that little joke too well.)

(Dad laughed, but ended up with a dent on his forehead.)

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Rule #45: Whenever you are going to a Comic book convention of any kind, please inform my father or any other officer. Especially if your costume contains blood of any kind.

(Ratchet nearly offlined when he saw Sam's cut up face.)

(So had Red Alert.)

(And Ironhide.)

(And Dad.)

(Bumblebee...not so much.)

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Rule #46: Never let Ultra Magnus watch Austin Powers.

(He kept asking awkward questions.)

(I love Goooollld!)

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Rule #47: Head banging is forbidden.

(Ratchet was worried our brains were going to get damaged.)

(Not that they aren't already.)

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Rule #48: Wheeling office chairs were confiscated.

(Not my fault Sam went flying and hit the wall.)

(My nose is still broken.)

(Even metal can break when you hit concrete hard enough.)

(Ratchet and Dad not happy at all.)

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Rule #49: Never say snow is actually a bunch of little white creatures bent on taking over the human mind.

(Red Alert nearly offlined once again when Sam and Mikaela walked in one covered in snow.)

(The not-so-paranoid Bots were smart enough not to believe me.)

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Rule #50: Two words: Body lotion.

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Rule #51: Yes, we are aware that the film 'Happy feet' is very unrealistic!

(It's fun to dance too though!)

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Rule #52: When brushing your teeth, never growl at any of the mechs or femmes.

(They will quarantine you.)

(Sam was very pissed off at me.)

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Rule #53: Double dog dares are forbidden.

(Sunny ended up getting his paint scratched.)

(Bumblebee ended up getting a tire stuck to his head.)

(Jazz is still not allowed at any Starbucks of any kind.)

(neither am I.)

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Rule #54: Never dare Sam or Lennox or Glen to chug a whole liter of soda.

(They belched for about half an hour.)

(Sam threw up.)

(Bumblebee was not happy with me.)

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Rule #55: Simple dares are forbidden now too.

(Like I said, older bots have no sense of humor.)

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Rule #56: Never talk about video games and what you are going to do in them like you are talking about real life.

(Red Alert still can't look at Sam and I.)

(All mechs thought we were serious.)

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Rule #57: Never, EVER make fun of Twilight when Maggie and/or Mikaela are visiting.

(How was I supposed to know mimicking the music from a Benny hill sketch would piss them off so much?)

(Or going, 'Sparkle, Sparkle.' whenever Edward Cullen appeared on screen.)

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Rule #58: No Fireworks...unless Optimus or Ultra Magnus are present.

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Rule #59: Never let either of mechs watch or listen to Lady Gaga.

(Sunny asked me why she was wearing Tin foil.)

(it's awkward trying to explain why she was also dressed like a giant disco ball.)

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Rule #60: Never use the base for a fake Halo squirt gun fight.

(Even though it was the funnest thing ever!)

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Rule #61: No more Hannah Montana!

(Moonracer needs to listen to better music.)

(I still can't get Party in the USA out of my head.)

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Rule #62: Never let Sunny and Sides play Super Smash brother brawl.

(Went through about five Wii game consoles before one of the finally won a match.)

(Sunny is a sore loser.)

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Rule #63: Never yell out, 'Adventure!', when invited to go somewhere with Dad or Cade.

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Rule #64: When reminiscing about old times, make sure to be clear about what you are talking about. Especially if it has to do anything with emergency drills.

(Red Alert and Hound nearly short circuited when Lennox and Epps both yelled out, 'Air raid!')

(Very nearly caused the apocalypse.)

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Rule #64: Masturbation is a topic to be avoided at all times.

(Dad still doesn't understand what Aunt Jude meant by 'Sam's happy time.')

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Rule #65: When quoting your favorite lines from a movie, make sure they are aware of said movie.

('Nobody move, I dropped me brain!)

(Dad's spark nearly stopped working.)

(Ratchet's processor went overboard.)

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Rule #66: Never even attempt to teach the Ice cream twins the Evolution of Dance.

(Mudflap nearly lost an optic.)

(Skids is a pretty good dancer.)

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Rule #67: When in a meeting with the military, never fall asleep and snore loudly.

(Sam drooled all over himself.)

(Lennox pushed me off my chair.)

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Rule #68:Never make the mechs or femmes watch Poltergeist, then turn the lights off, make Teletran go all static, then say in a creepy voice, 'They're baaaacck!'

(Jazz also screams like a femme.)

(Blackmail material file full.)

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Rule #69: Never say 'Motion of the ocean' to Seaspray or Beachcomber.

(They will not get it.)

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Rule #70: Never call Seaspray 'The Aquaman of the Autobots.'

(He will get very offended.)

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Rule #71: Never sing the song, 'Be careful what you eat' from the Animaniacs.

(I still kind find my otterpops!)

(Sam is going crazy from lack of sugar.)

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Woooooot!

Chappy three done!

Review!


	4. Chapter 4

Here we are at chapter four!

I'm glad I am doing well with this!  
I get most of these from my real life, which means my life is interesting.

Bahahaha!

By the way, this is a guideline that Tai is writing for other humans.

Enjoy!  
Onward!

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The guidelines for living with Giant Alien robots.

Part 4

By Tatyana Witwicky

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Rule #72: Never say,' I don't feel good' in front of Ratchet, you will end up staying in the medbay far longer then you really want too.

(Trust me, don't do it.)

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Rule #73: Never ask my Dad to say, 'Jergins lotion leaves my hands silky smooth.'

(Yes, that includes you, Leo and Miles.)

(Although that thought cracks me up.)

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Rule #74: Never let a drunken Epps sing gospel music.

(Dad was amazed a human man could make his voice so high.)

(I've never seen Ironhide laugh so hard.)

(It frightened everyone else.)

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Rules #75: Never paint the femmes 'fingernails'.

(Arcee looked stylish with bright yellow nails.)

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Rule #76: When Uncle Ron and Aunt Jude stop by with Mojo and Frankie, keep them away from Ironhide and Sunstreaker.

(Or else, Aunt Jude will get the bat.)

(Violence will ensue.)

(And odds are, she'll win.)

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Rule #77: Air Guitar should never be explained.

(Hound still doesn't get it.)

(I still do it.)

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Rule #78: Two gallons of fire proof gel: $220. Flame thrower: $550...

(Watching every bot in the room faint at the sight of Sam's arm on fire.)

(Priceless)

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Rule #79: Never hide the Folgers from Lennox and his team.

(They have guns.)

(And they know how to use them.)

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Rule #80: Never watch 2 girls 1 finger, 2 girls 1 cup, 4 girls finger-paint, or Mister Hands while staying at the base.

(Jolt was in stasis for a full month.)

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Rule #81: Never say, 'Flying Monkeys!' Then run around the base screaming.

(Miles was put in the medbay under Mental watch.)

(I dared him to do it.)

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Rule #82: Never threaten to maim, kill, or injure another human.

(The new comers will take you seriously.)

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Rule #83: No Macarena!

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Rule #84: Whenever Dad calls to check on you, never talk like a woman from India and call yourself, 'Kalindy.'

(So damn funny, though.)

(It was Sam's idea.)

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Rule # 85: Don't play Amateur Surgeon while Ratchet or First Aid or Wheeljack are in the room.

(They were very appalled at all of the methods in that game.)

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Rule #86: Never suggest that the Decepticon motto should be, 'Come to the dark side...we have cookies.'

(Jazz and Barricade thought that was hilarious.)

(Even Dad did.)

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Rule #87: Badger Badger badger badger!

(I've never seen my dad's optic twitch that badly.)

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Rule #88: Never sing Cruella Devil whenever Chromia wheels by.

(Like I said, don't piss her off.)

(Arcee and Moonracer still call her that at every chance they get.)

(She threatened me with dismemberment.)

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Rule #89: Never get a tattoo without Dad or Ratchet knowing.

(Tattoo removal sucks.)

(I didn't speak to Ratchet for two weeks.)

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Rule #90: Never play with a Tazor gun.

(Sam's tongue is still numb.)

(I'm having trouble saying anything with S's in them.)

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Rule #91: Disney songs are a not form of interrogation.

(Starscream nearly blew a circuit after listening to the song from Mary Poppins for two hours.)

(Ironhide laughed hysterically for the rest of the day.)

(Scary.)

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Rule #92: Always be aware that the bots are way, way, way bigger than us.

(I sometimes forget.)

(So does Simmons.)

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Rule #93: Never say, 'Oh, just that pesky Multiple personality disorder acting up again.')

(Just do yourself a favor, and don't' say it.)

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Rule #94: Never flip off Ratchet.

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Rule #95: Never play the Penis game in the base.

(I won.)

(Everyone was staring at me.)

(Sam and Leo laughed.)

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Rule #96: Never set all of the base clock alarms to go off at five minute intervals.

(Red Alert is still twitching.)

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Rule #97: Never fill a gallon drum with bouncy balls, then dump them onto the unsuspecting mechs.

(Ironhide slipped and collided with Dad, causing them both to fall into the wall.)

(They landed in a very awkward position.)

(I think I broke a rib from laughing.)

(Dad was so mad.)

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Rule #98: Never ask Sam, Lennox, Epps, Glen, Leo, or Miles to say something that only a little kid could get away with. i.e. 'I went poopy in my pants!'

(Bumblebee didn't go near Sam for two hours.)

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Rule #99: Never go to a human Doctor.

(Ratchet gets huffy.)

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Rule #100: Never inhale helium. Sam, Leo.

(What is funny to us, freaks them out completely.)

(Jazz and Bee thought the high voices were funny.)

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Rule #101: Never inhale Sulfur Hexafluoride. Mikaela, me.

(Just the name is enough to send any bot into stasis.)

(The deep voices scared a few of the bots into hiding.)

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Rule 102: Never a good idea to suddenly scream out in a accent, 'STOP TOUCHING ME!'

(Miles isn't allowed near me without Jazz or Barricade or my Dad nearby.)

(I thought it was funny.)

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Rule #103: Never yell, 'Fabulous!' whenever Jazz bends over.

(I love his aft.)

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Rule # 104: Never suggest anything to Wheeljack.

(Odds are, something bad will happen.)

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Help me with some more rules!  
Bahahaha!

Review!


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter five!

Holy Guacamole! Bahahah  
I'm glad everyone is enjoying it!

And White-wolf Demon Slayer, of course you may use some of my ideas!

I would be so honored! :D

Onward!

------------

A Guideline to living with giant alien robots.

Part 5

By Tatyana Witwicky.

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Rule #105: Never egg Sam on to jump a bike over Annabelle's wagon.

(He ended up almost breaking his jaw on Dad's foot.)

(Ratchet was very upset.)

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Rule #106: When riding in my Dad's truck form, never say, 'Are we there yet?' over and over and over and over again.

(He pulled over and dumped me and Sam on the side of the road.)

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Rule #107: Then never decide to make a game out of the above rule, and say the person get's double points for making my Dad swear.

(Ratchet made him have some quiet time.)

(Leo and Miles and Sam were asked to avoid Prime for a couple of weeks.)

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Rule #108: Never ride Arcee without a helmet.

(My vision is still a little fuzzy.)

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Rule #109: Never decide to give Annabelle a geography lesson with the Animaniacs.

(Ironhide could get the 'Fifty states song' out of his processor for months.)

(Sarah threw one of Lennox's socks at me.)

(Used sock.)

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Rule #110: Never sing Spider pig when Barricade is in a bad mood.

(I've never seen Sam run so fast.)

(I laughed.)

(hard.)

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Rule #111: Never say the following to Optimus or Ratchet:

*It was like that when I got here!  
*Look what I can do with the Donuts!  
*How's the sex?  
*Hey, I can see myself in your butt! (Miles)  
*Where's the fire extinguisher?  
*The leprechaun told me to burn it!  
*What pretty colors!

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Rule #112: Never tell any female members of nest to say to any of the males members of Nest, 'If you were a transformer, I'd name you Optimus Fine!'

(The Lambo twins called him that for two months.)

(He threw an energon cube at them.)

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Rule #113: Never make a motto for NEST that says, 'You don't have to be an idiot to work here, we'll train you!'

(Dad made me take it down and apologize to General Morshower.)

(Dad was shocked that he suggested to keep the sign up.)

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Rule #114: Never blow a female condom up to full capacity and then let it fly.

(It landed on Ratchet's head.)

(He didn't notice for three hours.)

(Mikaela actually wet herself from laughing.)

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Rule #115: Three words. 'We're going Streaking!!'

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Rule #116: Never stare at one of the bots for a long period of time with a grin.

(Scared the Lambo twins.)

(Miles looks like a sex offender.)

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Rule #117: Never leave a box in the corner, then ask if someone hears a ticking.

(The Base was shut down for three hours.)

(The Bomb squad was very annoyed.)

(I was grounded for a month.)

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Rule #118: When asked by one of the mechs what a boner is, just leave the room.

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Rule #119: When arguing with Sam or Leo or Miles, do NOT result to hair pulling.

(Leo pulls really hard.)

(Sam pulls harder.)

(Barricade and Bumblebee were laughing too hard to help.)

(Dad freaked out when he saw I was missing some hair.)

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Rule #120: Never grimace painfully in a room full of mechs, then repeatedly slap your forehead, yelling 'Shut up, all of you, shut up!'

(Barricade and Dad freaked.)

(Ratchet kept me in the medbay for a three days.)

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Rule #121: Never call Ratchet the 'Hatchet' unless you want to have a wrench shaped scar or dent.

(Mudflap, Skids.)

(Sunny, Sides.)

(Leo.)

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Rule #122: Never have Spa day at the base.

(especially if you decide to use a facial peel.)

(Ratchet literally had a conniption.)

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Rule #123: Never Febreeze an Autobot's interior.

(It burns their smelling sensors.)

(Barricade was not happy he smelled like Apple Spice.)

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Rule #124: Never say, 'My spoon is too big!' repeatedly.

(Now everyone has to use baby utensils!)

(On the bright side, at least mine have Tigger on them!)

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Rule #125: When a door is closed, don't open it.

(*shudder* I saw something that no person should see their medic do.)

(It also resulted in wrench throwing.)

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Rule #126: Never try to explain female masturbation!

(Or show them that episode of '1000 ways to die' where that chick died by carrot.)

(At least it got rid of all vegetables on NEST. Woooo!!)

(Epps walked in eating a carrot stick.)

(Ratchet actually passed out.)

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Rule #127: Do NOT establish 'Pet a human' day, where every Bot has to pet as many humans as they can throughout the day.

(Results will be horrible back pain, throbbing headaches, and a very pissed off Galloway.)

(Even though he deserved it.)

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Rule #128: Never sing "It's the End of the World (And I'm feelin' fine)" by Goldfinger  
out loud around Autobots  
(1.) They'll think you have a speech impediment)  
(2.) Once the first part is sorted out, they'll get worried about mental  
health.)  
(3.) They'll wonder where you got this information (end of the world)

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Rule #129: Never, ever quote Family Guy.

('There's an evil monkey in my closet!)

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Rule #130: Never sing, 'Peanut Butter Jelly time' over and over and over and over and over agin.

(Duct tape is unpleasant...especially on mouth.)

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Rule #131:Don't try to make Optimus (Dad) say, 'It was so hot in central park today, I saw a squirrel rubbing sunblock on his nuts.'

(Even though Sunny and Sides said it about a million times that day.)

(XD *dies*)

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Bahahahah!  
I would love to thank my good friend Fantasyaddict101 for rules 124-131!

And White-wolf Demon Slayer for rules 106 and 107!

And if you are wondering where I got the blowing up the female condom joke, that really happened in real life.

My boyfriend and I were helping out friend move, and he started blowing up a condom. It got freaking huge then he dropped it. I just about passed out from laughing so hard!

The living room smelled like condoms after that!

So damn funny!

Review!


	6. Chapter 6

This story is so much fun!  
Wheeeee!!

Onward!

---------

The Guideline for living with giant alien robots.

Part 6

By Tatyana Witwicky.

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Rule #132: Never let Wheeljack watch a Mythbusters marathon.

(Blaster has a new nickname.)

(Not to mention, new legs.)

(Three guesses as to what the new nickname is.)

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Rule #133: Never go up to Ironhide and poke him repeatedly saying, 'Bother, bother, bother, bother..' from Potter puppet pals.

(Sunny lost a hand.)

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Rule #134: The song 'Bird is the word.' is banned indefinitely from the base.

(Dad bashed his head through the hanger door.)

(Barricade twitched very violently.)

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Rule #135: Do NOT talk in a demon voice while saying, 'I need to find a better host body.'

(It really freaked the new Autobots out.)

(Jazz and Barricade laughed.)

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Rule #136: Never run into the recreational room screaming hysterically, 'GEt'em out, get'em out, get'em out SHUT UP! Get'em out!...' then giggle insanely and run out of the room.

(I was very sleepy afterwards.)

(Ratchet has drugs....)

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Rule #137: Never say very loudly in the middle of a group of Autobots, 'I don't shave, I wax!'

(The look on their faces were so funny.)

(Ironhide refuses to be in the room alone with Miles, Leo, or Sam.)

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Rule #138: NEVER challenge Autobots to a race.

(You will lose.)

(Very, very, very badly.)

(Sunny almost ran over Leo.)

(Dad was very unhappy.)

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Rule #139: When asked about a platypus, never call it..'God's little joke.)

(They will not get it.)

(Jolt wants a pet Platypus.)

(Ratchet and Dad said no.)

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Rule #140: Never come near anyone with a hack saw.

(Sam pretended to saw off Leo crotch.)

(Ratchet and Red Alert flipped a gadget.)

(Even though Leo was cracking up.)

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Rule #141: Playdough is banned as well.

(Ironhide was very unhappy with Annabelle.)

(I made a duck.)

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Rule #142: Never say, 'Primus is my homeboy.'

(They will not like that.)

(Although, Jazz did.)

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Rule #143: When watching IRobot, never try to explain why that kid who cusses in the movie looks exactly like Sam.

(Sam couldn't see the resemblance.)

--------------

Rule #144: Never challenge Autobot's to strip poker.

(They'd probably win.)

(They don't have the means to strip.)

(Do they?)

---------------

Rule #145: Never tell them about spontaneous human combustion.

(They will not let you out of their sight.)

-----------------

Rule #146: Always be careful going up stairs.

(I manage to fall UP them.)

(Sunny and Sides won't stop making fun of me!)

(Slagtards!)

-----------------

Rule #147: When watching the Incredible Hulk or Monsters vs. Aliens, never try to explain why their clothes never seem to rip.

(I still don't know!)

-----------------

Rule #148: When in the medbay, never NEVER never say...'Ohhhh what does this button do?'

(Ratchet gets very cranky.)

------------------

Rule #149: Same also goes for Wheeljack's lab.

(Unless you feel like losing an appendage.)

-----------------

Rule #150: When playing with a crash test dummy, make sure to tell the Bots that it really isn't alive.

(Poor Red Alert.)

-----------------

Rule #151: Never play with Lennox's tanks.

(Sam ended up on the cannon while trying to get it unplugged.)

(Decepticons were laughing too hard to attack.)

(I was laughing too hard to do anything.)

-----------------

Rule #152: Never call Leo 'Seniorita Neglacita!'

(Only he and I really get the joke.)

(Mudflap and Skids called him that in front of Secretary Keller.)

-----------------

Rule #153: No naked lady mudflaps.

(Dad really did not like those.)

(Was not my idea, Skids and Flap made me do it.)

(Honest.)

-----------------

Rule #154: Never, when in a huge traffic jam, scream out. 'You're taillights out!'

(Dad really hates that.)

* * *

Rule #155: Never leave your Autobot guardian out in the cold.

(Bumblebee's doors were frozen shut.)

(Barricade's window was a solid sheet of ice.)

(Both gave me and Sam the silent treatment for about two hours.)

(Big babies.)

* * *

Rule #156: Two words: Numa Numa.

(So damn funny.)

(Ironhide and Ratchet were still humming it.)

* * *

Rule #157: Never fold your eyelids upwards.

(That really freaks them out.)

(Sam and I scared the be-primus out of Sunny.)

-------------------

Hahaha this took me for-freaking-ever!

I'm running dry!  
Help me people!!

Review!


	7. Rule 32

I had to do this one!  
This is based off one the rules in my guidelines story and this one really made me laugh!

You will see which one!

Heehee Enjoy!

Onward!

--------------

Rule #32: Never drink Red Bull and Nyquil.

--------------

Tai wasn't feeling good.  
In fact, she felt like the shit that had just hit the fan.

'God mother fucker!' She swore in her bathroom, seeing the dark circles, the red nose, and her watery eyes. 'I thought I couldn't get sick!' She stuck her shiny glossa out, blahhing at the nasty taste in her mouth from having it open all night, since she couldn't breathe through her nose. 'Ratch the Hatch is not gonna be happy.' She mumbled to herself. 'I better have some cold meds!'

Opening her medicine cabinet, she did...but it was Nyquil...no Dayquil. 'Primus's large boxer shorts!' She exclaimed in frustration. 'Well, better than nothing..' Grabbing the dark green bottle, she strode into her living room area and plopped down, face first on her sofa. 'Urrggg...' She moaned.

'Babycakes!' Jazz's voices rang through her metal door. 'Boss bot needs ya!'

'Combing!' She called back, talking funny due to her clogged sinuses.

'Whoa...ya alright?' He asked, still talking through the metal door. 'You soun' funny!'

'Shut up, babe!' She moaned, shoving her head under a cushion. 'I'll be there asap!'

'Alrigh'..hurry though.'

Tai groaned and got up, washed her face, put on her black wool hat, and got dressed in a black baseball tee and a pair of skinny faded jeans. As she walked by the kitchen, she spotted the Nyquil and paused. 'Hmmm...if I take it, I'll be really tired...they might suspect something...' Her eye and optic widened. 'Wait..didn't Sam give me a red bull?' She rushed to her fridge, and there it was. 'Hmm..' She then picked up the cold medicine. 'So if I take this...I'll get tired but if I drink this...' She glanced at the Red Bull in her robotic hand. 'I'll be wide awake...and I'll fight my cold!'

This was a perfect plan!

She poured the vile smelling medicine into its tiny cup and glared at it spitefully. 'Bottoms up..' She muttered to herself. She downed the medicine and grimaced. 'God..! Vile!' She then opened the red bull and chugged it down, the fruity taste over powering the bitter one.

'Hmm...much better...' She suddenly felt very energized and she laughed. 'Wow!'

-------------

Optimus Prime was normally a very patient Mech. He thought he was at least.

But sometimes, his daughter really, really stretched his patience. She was late...again. 'Where is that femme?' He asked his Weapons specialist in an impatient tone.

'Prime, she's Nineteen.' He answered, polishing his precious cannons. 'She is forever going to be stuck in the mindset of a nineteen year old...get used to it.'

Before the Leader could reply anymore, a door slammed open, causing all members of NEST...human and Autobot alike...to jump. There was Tai, with a very big smile on her face...a big, creepy looking smile. She looked way to happy, even for her. Her limbs were also twitching slightly. 'Tatyana?' Optimus asked cautiously. 'Sweetheart, are you alright?'

'Oh yeah, I'm great...just dandy, awesome, fine....!!' She sat down on one of the chairs, her foot tapping and her leg shaking. Ratchet immediately became concerned at her increased spark rate...it was pulsating unusually fast. He also noticed her flushed cheeks and her clogged sinuses.

'Well Tatyana, my scans indicate that you indeed not fine..' Ratchet commented, causing Optimus to look at him in alarm.

'I'm totally and completely fine...I feel like I want to run!' But before she could take off, Barricade grabbed her and held her in his hand. Her legs were moving as though she thought if she could gain any speed, she could run in the air. Barricade rolled his optics slightly as he stood back up, with Tai still in his hand.

'According to my scans, your spark rate is high, you have a fever, your sinuses are clogged, and you have dark circles under your optics...clearly, you are very ill...and yet, you have a lot of energy..what is going on?' Ratchet knelt in front of her.

Sam, who had to be there for this meeting, walked over and got a good look at his cousin. 'Oh my god..' He laughed shaking his head. 'I know what's up.' Bumblebee gavce him a boost up so that he was face to face with Tai.

'Really?' Ratchet gave him a doubtful look. 'Then what is it?'

'Her breath smells very...' He managed to get a hold of his squirming cousin's head and sniffed her breath. 'Ay carumba! Red bull...and..' He took another sniff. 'Nyquil? Tai, did you drink those two things together again?!'

'Yeah...yeah yeah yeah...red bull...I like red bull...Red bull good...red bull!' She was breathing incredibly fast now. 'And nyquil...! It fights my cold but I am not sleepy at all!' She giggled excitedly, clutching onto Barricade's hand.

'Uh-huh...' Sam said slowly. 'Hey Ratch...Optimus...' He turned to the two mechs. 'I have an idea that might help her get rid of this...ridiculous amount of energy she appears to have...' Both mechs kneeled down.

'Let's hear it, Sam.' Optimus said, concern for his daughter wavering in his voice.

'Just let her run.' He said simply.

Ratchet rolled his optics. 'That can't possibly work...!'

'Just do it!' Sam snapped. 'Trust me, it'll work...believe me, she's done it before.'

Optimus and Ratchet looked at one another. 'Worth a shot.'

'Well, alright...let's see if this will work.' Ratchet shrugged and stood up. Nodding at Barricade, the black and white mech set her down. 'Go..Run, Tai, Run!' Barricade made swooshing motions with his hands.

She then took off running.

'Give her fifteen minutes.' Lennox muttered.

----------

15 minutes later.

----------

The meeting had ended without a hitch.

'Alright, everyone...dismissed.' Lennox saluted. Sam got up and stretched, sighing in content when all of his muscles stretched at the same time. He looked up when Mudflap came in, shockingly without Skidz.'

'Uhh...Bossbot?' He asked in a tentative voice.

'What is it, Mudflap?' Optimus asked patiently.

'Sometins' up wit Tai..' He jabbed his thumb in the direction behind him. 'She' on the floor and makin' a loud noise..'

That was all it took for Optimus and various others to bolt out of the meeting room and into the recreational room. The bright green form of Skidz was kneeling next to Tai, who was on her stomach on the floor. Her dark hair was hiding her face and a loud noise was coming from her mouth.

Sam burst out laughing and pointed. 'Hah! It worked! Red Bull wore off...nyquil kicked in!'

'Is she alright?' Optimus asked in alarm, kneeling down and gently stroking Tai's back.

'Oh yeah, big guy...don't worry..' Lennox patted the distraught leader on the ankle. 'She'll sleep it off...'

Epps sighed, smiling. 'I'll take Princess Drools-a-lot back to her apartment...Will, wanna help?'

'Sure.' Lennox chuckled, kneeling down and turning the unconscious Cyborg girl over and lifting her up. He then handed her to Epps, who heft her up onto his shoulder and walked out of the room.

Sam then turned to the Bots.

'And that is why Nyquil and Red Bull is a bad combination...take notes Gentlemen.'

------------

God, I'm tired!!  
But I had fun writing this!!

Enjoy!


	8. Chapter 8

Holy Crapola! This is getting even more fun and awesome!

Thank you soooo much for all of your rule suggestions!  
They cracked me up!

Onward!

-------------

The Guide to living with Giant Alien Robots!

Part 7

By Tatyana Witwicky

-------------

Rule #158: Never reprogram any of the Autobot's horns to sound like the General Lee or the Bologna song.

(Dad's horn went off when he was in the middle of a meeting.)

('My bologna has a first name...it's O-p-t-i-mus...')

(General Morshower made that up!)

--------------

Rule #159: Never leave Gingerbread men cookies in the oven, turn to whichever mech or femme is in the room and say, 'The little people like fire..' Then grin maniacally.

(Miles is undergoing therapy.)

(Sam and I enjoyed some Gingerbread men.)

-------------

Rule #160: Never talk to your cell phone like it was real person.

(Glen wouldn't go near my awesome phone.)

(Wheeljack had it examined.)

--------------

Rule #161: If you get in trouble, never say 'Megatron would let me do it!'

(Ohh Dad got upset.)

--------------

Rule #162: Never slide down the stairs on your stomach.

(Ratchet was not happy to see the four of us..Leo, Miles, Sam, and Me..with bloody noses.)

(I waved excitedly.)

(He did not find that funny.)

(Neither did my father.)

--------------

Rule #163: No Vinegar and baking soda!

(The rec. room still smells funny.)

--------------

Rule #164: When swimming in company of Autobots, nevernevernever NEVER hold your breath longer than three minutes.

(Dad nearly had another spark attack.)

(As did Bumblebee.)

(And Jazz.)

--------------

Rule #165: Never wear Stilettos while playing sports. (Maggie.)

(She kicked Sam in his 'down under.')

(Bumblebee still won't let Sam out near her.)

(Sam still walks funny.)

(I am still laughing.)

---------------

Rule #166: Never eat Gummy creatures of any kind near Autobots.

(They all had panic attacks.)

(All foods now monitored.)

-------------

Rule #167: Do not dangle saliva from your mouth, let it touch the ground, then slurp it back up.

(Never saw Ratchet or Red Alert twitch so violently.)

(Sunny and 'Sides thought it was cool.)

(They can't do it.)

(Yet, they try.)

--------------

Rule #168: Don't attack for thin mints.

(..You know what, no, I've already written about this..)

---------------

Rule #169: Don't try to teach them how to do 'The Robot..'

(They don't get it.)

(Total hysteria watching the Ice cream twins try.)

---------------

Rule #170: Never tell Hound to roll over...or play dead...or fetch...

(Yes I know, his name is deceiving!)

(But he will not like the joke.)

---------------

Rule #171: Never paint bull's-eyes on either sets of the twins.

(Sunny chased after me and Leo.)

---------------

Rule #172: 'I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts...didildidi!'

(I saw Dad hit himself in the head saying, 'Get out! Get out! Get out!')

---------------

Rule #173: NEVER watch a '1000 ways to die.'

(My Dad did not let go of me for two hours!)

(I secretly liked it.)

---------------

Rule #174: Whenever something is dropped, and makes a loud noise, never yell out, 'Damn, my uterus fell out!!'

(Maggie, Mikaela, and I were given an 'exam' by Ratchet and Wheeljack.)

(Awkward...)

(Although it was really funny and totally worth it!)

_(No it wasn't!...Mikaela.)_

---------------

Rule #175: Never randomly yell out words. Only Kyle Cease can make that funny. Not that Sam and I haven't tried.

The random words are:  
*UTERUS!!  
*MANHOLE!!  
*ROOSTER!!  
*PIE!!  
*NOODLES!!!

----------------

Rule #176: Never say, 'Where's my little tapeworm?'

(Wheeljack spent two weeks giving everyone tapeworm exams.)

--------------

Rule #177: Don't bend over slowly in front of your mech-friend (Jazz) in public.

(Dad was mad.)

(Jazz...not so much.)

---------------

Rule #178: Never copy Elvis or Michael Jackson dance moves.

(They thought I was having hip spasms.)

--------------

Rule #179: Do NOT put a potato in the Twins (or any bots, for that matter) tailpipes.

(They just don't understand the comic genius of 'Beverly Hill's Cop'!)

--------------

Rule #180: Never show any Bot 'My car is my lover.'

(...Yeah.)

-------------

Rule #181: Make sure that Autobots understand the titles of TV shos or movies are just titles.  
(I can no longer watch "Sex in the City"...so they gave me "The Reader" to watch...)

(That wasn't any better!)

-------------

Rule #182: Wheeljack is banned from watching "Phineas and Ferb"

(So far he's tried to make a broccoli cannon and has attempted to find something that doesn't exist)

(And again with the pet Platypus!)

-------------

Rule #183: Don't send a sample of Optimus Prime's (Dad's) voice to an advertising agency.  
(He got 116 commercial voice-over offers.)

(He knew it was me.)

(He always knows!)

--------------

Rule #184: Don't laugh like a ROFL-copter!

(SHWA-SHWA-SHWA-SHWA!!)

(Blades won't come near me or Sam.)

--------------

Rule #185: Do NOT ask any Autobot or Decepticon if they are a Mac or a PC.

(They really hate that.)

(All the more reason to do it..bahahah!)

--------------

Rule #186: Don't give Mojo a lot of water then lock him inside Ironhide's alt mode.  
(Not that I've...tried...or anything...)

---------

Enjoy everyone!  
Once again, any more ideas would be appreciated!

Review!


	9. Chapter 9

More guidelines!!

I hope you all are ready!  
Thank you so much for all the ideas!

Onward!

-------

The Guidelines for living with giant alien robots.  
Part 8

By Tatyana Witwicky

--------

Rule #187: Never give the Autobot comlink's ringtones.

(Dad was wondering why he was hearing music.)

(Jazz liked the new add.)

(Ratchet threw a wrench at me.)

(Ow.)

--------

Rule #188: Do not randomly start singing 'Before he cheats.' By Carrie Underwood.

('I dug my key into the side of his pretty lil' supped up four wheel drive.')

(None of the Bots will come near you.)

---------

Rule #189: Never let Wheelie read poetry, or listen to Rap.

(For everyone's sanity and your own, don't.)

---------

Rule #190: Never say, 'GIVE ME YOUR FACE!' to Optimus (Dad) or any other Autobot for that matter.

(That joke got old really quickly.)

-----------

Rule #191: Always look both ways before crossing the hallway.

('Human Crossing' signs have been added.)

-----------

Rule #192: No more jagermiester!

(Drunken Sam is passed out cold Sam.)

(He still isn't talking to me.)

(There was a giant picture of a penis on his forehead.)

(And on his cheeks.)

(It was Leo's idea.)

------------

Rule #193: Do not compare any of the Autobots or Decepticons to Tom Servo or Crow from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

-----------

Rule #194: 'They call it...a thong.'

(Leo, you asshole.)

(Sunny asked me what the frag that was.)

(I flicked one of Mikaela's at him.)

(She got mad.)

-----------

Rule #194:Never suddenly say, 'Rectal exorcism.'

(Wheeljack is trying to figure out what that means.)

(Hah..Robin Williams jokes.)

-----------

Rule #195: Never stare at Ironhide for more than ten seconds then say, 'Hi.'

(He gets very violent.)

------------

Rule #196: Never try to explain Santa Claus or The Easter Bunny.

(They still think Santa's a pedophile.)

(Ironhide was up all night on watch.)

------------

Rule #197: No pets for Autobots.

(This includes; Dogs, kitties, fish of any kind, whales, PLATYPUSES, penguins, or humans.)

(Sunny still call's Sam 'Bumblebee's pet.')

------------

Rule #198: Ratchet's tools are INCREDIBLY off limits!

(No touchy means no touchy!)

(I know I mentioned this before, but apparently no one around here understands!)

(He will resort to violence.)

------------

Rule# 199: Don't ever try to teach Leo, Sam, or Miles gymnastics...Just don't.

-----------

Rule #200:Please! For the love of Megatrons Panties and matching set, whenever someone or something says...'Do not touch.'...DO NOT TOUCH IT!

-----------

Rule #201: No Holographic body parts.

(I am the only exception to this rule.)

(LEo nearly jizzed himself when he saw a giant pair of holographic boobs nearby.)

(Skids and Mudflap are annoying little glitches.)

------------

Rule #202: If you are a mech or a femme, never attempt to out facial express a human.

(Odds are, your facial plating will stick or break.)

(Who would've thought that old saying was true?)

------------

Rule #203: Never try to argue with Mudflap or Skids.

(Results will be a pounding migraine and thoughts of homicide.)

----------

Rule #204: For the millionth time, no pet Platypuses!

(Jolt!)

(Wheeljack!)

----------

Rule #205: Never go near Red Alert with numerous lazar pointers!

('Snipers!')

(The hanger has a few scorch marks.)

-----------

Rule #206: No more Disco parties!

(The big hair scared a few of the mechs.)

(Jazz dancing to the Bee-Jee's was damn funny!)

('Stayin' alive! Stayin' alive!')

----------

Rule #207: Never make fun of my height.

(People and Bot's alike were wondering how I managed to Hog tie Sunny.)

---------

Rule #208: No spinners!

---------

Rule 209: Never run around in circles screaming, 'Oh my god!' over and over again.

(Once again, mentality test.)

(Leo passed.)

(Sam passed.)

(I passed.)

(Miles...nope.)

----------

Sorry, it's so short!

But enjoy anyway!  
More idea's please!


	10. Chapter 10

Here we are!

I hope you all are still enjoying this!  
Onto more rules!

I can't believe I passed 200 hundred rules!  
Holy Crapperdoodles!

Onward!

-------

The Guideline for living with giant Alien Robots!

Part 9

By Tatyana Witwicky

--------

Rule #210: No Brownies for Aunt Jude.

(We do not want a repeat of what happened before.)

(Ironhide was impressed when she tackled that one soldier.)

(Why does she enjoy tackling people?)

-------

Rule #211: 'One tequila, two tequila, three tequila...floor.'

(Leo and Miles are such light weights.)

------

Rule #212: Never try to explain 'Ball in a cup.'

(Although, it kept the twins busy for about two weeks.)

------

Rule #213: Never run into a large group of Autobots and scream out in an Italian accent. 'Everybody gets pudding!'

(They were slightly alarmed.)

(None of them will look Miles in the eye anymore.)

(I was laughing quite hard.)

------

Rule #214: 'Waka Laka' is forever banned from the base.

(Both sets of twins played it over and over and over again.)

(Ironhide finally snapped.)

(As did everyone else.)

(I found it quite amusing!)

-------

Rule #215: When a sign says, 'Keep out!'...KEEP OUT OF THE ROOM!

(Chromia and Ironhide still glare at me.)

(My mind is scarred for life.)

-------

Rule #216: Never force Red Alert to watch Horror films.

(After Psycho, he didn't want the humans to shower.)

(Oh god, the smell is forever burned into my nose.)

(Ratchet was very unhappy.)

(As was Dad.)

(And Bumblebee.)

(And Baricade.)

--------

Rule #217: Whenever someone asks what you want, never scream out randomly, 'MEATBALLS!!'

(They won't get it.)

--------

Rule #218: Do not spike energon with alcohol, Coca-Cola, any other carbonated drink, Kool-Aid, Poweraid, Gatorade, Tang, Nesquick, or any other powdered drink mix/human drink.

(Barricade got high and tried to interface with Mikaela)

(Ratchet has locked away the drink mixes.)

(We're only allowed to have sugar on special occasions)

(I am currently suffering from Kool Aid withdrawal.)

--------

Rule #219: Never sing "All the single ladies" when Arcee is in the room just because she doesn't have a sparkmate.  
(Yet)  
(She did not appreciate it)

------  
Rule #220: The song "Halo" is also banned.

(Leo thought it referred to the video game series when he only heard the title)

(It actually doesn't)

(Barricade can't stand it when he hears the high notes)

------  
Rule #221: Actually, all Beyonce songs are now banned entirely.

('Nuff said)

-----  
Rule #222: Never suggest that Hound's motto be "I function, I drive, I kick fraggin Decepticon aft" just because he turns into a Jeep.

(Dad doesn't like swear words)

-----

Rule #223: Don't try to explain Rugrats.

(Just don't)

-----  
Rule #224: If you run away, odds are the 'bots will be able to find you.

(No matter how far you go away from the base)

(Who knew Leo, Skids and Mudflap somehow made it all the way to Alaska and still were found?)

-----

Rule #225: Don't change Barricade's motto to "To drink coffee and eat donuts".

(He did not appreciate it when he found out it was Skids and Mudflap who did it while he was in recharge)

(Who knew he'd get sent those things as presents from Leo's roommates Sharsky and Fassbinder?)

(I love those guys!)

-----

Rule #226: Don't say "I swear I'm going to kill you two!" whenever either set of twins pulls a prank.

(I had to explain that I did not mean literally)

(Another mentality test...)

------

Rule #227: Never go 'Bow-chicka-wow-wow' whenever Jazz enters a room or vice versa.

-------

Rule #228: Never quote Red vs. Blue.

Examples:

*Time...line? Time isn't made out of lines. It's made out of circles! That is why clock are round.  
* A doctor cures people. A medic just makes the more comfortable while they die. (Ratchet actually cackled at that one.)  
* Do you want to go to heaven? 'Cause it's like, 10 bucks just to get in.  
* I have 37 different Zombie Plans.  
* I just want you to know...rocks aren't people.

-------

Heehee sorry it's been forever!  
Fallout 3 and work have kept me busy!

Review!


	11. Chapter 11

More rules!  
Sadly, this will be the second to last chapter of this fic! :(

But it's been fun!  
If you have a rule, let me know right away!!

Onward!

--------

The Guideline for living with Giant Alien Robots!

By Tatyana Witwicky

---------

Rule #229: When eating Hot Tamale candies, never shove a whole bunch in your mouth then scream out, 'MY MOUTH IS ON FIRE!!!!'

(The Bots take everything so literally.)

(Sam and Leo ended up getting doused in fire extinguisher foam.)

(I got the hose.)

(Then I ate the Tamales.)

---------

Rule #230: Never say, 'We have a traitor in our mist.' Then look around suspiciously.

(Red Alert freaked out...again.)

(Cliffjumper now has a new list of possible traitors.)

(Wasn't surprised to see Barricade there.)

(I crossed him off.)

---------

Rule #231: Horror movies are forever banned from the base.

(Sunny nearly went into stasis when Leo started going: Chu-chu-chu-ha-ha-ha.)

(The fact he was wearing a Hockey mask wasn't helping.)

(I nearly died from laughter.)

---------

Rule #232: Wheeljack is banned from Youtube after watching, 'Is it a good idea to Microwave this?'

(Especially after the Airbag incident.)

(Sam barely made it out before decapitation.)

(It's a really bad idea to microwave an airbag.)

--------

Rule #233: Talk like Yoda, you should not.

(Annoyed with me, they were.)

--------

Rule #234: 'I'm a Tawn-tawn!'

--------

Rule #235: Never walk around and say casually , 'Oh yeah, i get some of my best ideas when I masturbate.' Or, 'Yeah, you know that one scanner you have to stick your finger in to get a 100% accurate reading...'

(It was hysterically funny the first time when Prowl looked it up then logic glitched.)

(Sam and Leo both did a spit take all over Bumblebee.)

(Mikaela and I laughed.)

(Revenge of the women!)

(Hahaha!)

-------

Rule #236: Never suggest Ratchet's motto should be: 'Cut to fit, beat into place.'

(Even though it's amazingly accurate.)

------

Rule #237: Never argue with inanimate objects.

That includes:  
*Vending machines  
*Forks  
*Shoes  
*Computers  
*Toasters  
*The base's slushie machine  
*Rolling pins  
*Or chairs.

(They will, once again, question mental health.)

(Miles called the vending machine a 'son of a bitch.')

-------

Rule#238: Never call Jolt 'Sparky.'

(Even though it suits him very well.)

-------

Rule #239: If you would like to watch a movie from the list below, please let my father, Ratchet, Prowl, or any other high rank officer know beforehand. Odds are, they will let you...but make sure all mechs are out of the room.

The movies you need permission to watch are:  
1.) Coraline (The button eyes and the beldam freaked out Red Alert to the point of stasis.)  
2.) The Spongebob Squarepants movie. (Skids and Mudflap wouldn't stop singing, 'Now that we're men.')  
3.) Sweeney Todd. (This one should be obvious.)  
4.) Jumanji. (Every time someone brings a board game over, they have to have Wheeljack check it.)  
5.) Beverly Hills Chihuahua. (Ironhide is still twitching.) (Leo really has a death wish.)  
6.) Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. (Ratchet left the room.)(Wheeljack wanted to make that machine.)(Ratchet and Dad said no.)  
7.) The Hangover. (Enough said.)  
8.) Final Destination. (Watching humans die is not fun for the Autobots.)  
9.) Bridge to Terebithia. (Way to sad.)  
10.) The Rocky Horror picture show. (Leo is now called a 'sweet transvestite, transsexual, Transylvanian'.) (Both set of twins and Jazz started doing the timewarp.)

--------

Rule #240: Whenever someone says, 'Tell me something I don't know...' never respond with the following:

*'Without mucus, our stomachs would digest themselves.' (Miles.)  
*'I like eggs in the morning and bacon at night.' (FassBinder.)  
*'Licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets.' (Me.)  
*'Did you know it's that time of year where the swallows return?' (Sharsky.)

---------

Rule #241: The other shows that should never be explained are The fairly oddparents, Chalkzone, Kids next door, or The grim adventures of Billy and Mandy.

(Jolt asked if I had fairy godparents or went on secret missions.)

(He was disappointed that I said no.)

--------

Rule #242: Do not play the song, 'Waking up in Vegas.'

(Mudflap and Skids wanted to go there.)

(I pointed out that gambling is sort of illegal.)

(They ended up sneaking me there while I was sleeping.)

(They left me by a pool in Vegas.)

(Dad was not happy when he had to go there and get me.)

--------

Rule #243: Never ever try hard core human or Cybertronian drugs.

(Dad had a very long talk with me.)

(Not my fault Mudflap and Skids annoyed me until I tried pot.)

(They knew something was up when I was sitting on the bot couch and suddenly exclaimed, 'Is this the couch? Am I shrinking!?')

(Barricade pulled me over for drunk driving.)

---------

Rule #244: Never sing, 'Star Trekkin' across the universe.'

(ON THE AUTOBOT ARK UNDER OPTIMUS PRIME!)

(Dad was not impressed.)

(Jazz thought it was funny.)

(Ratchet didn't.)

(Neither did Prowl.)

(Or Wheeljack.)

--------

Rule #245: When you are riding in the Autobots car forms, please consider what music you are going to listen too. Each Bot has a different taste in music.

(Barricade hates it when I turn up rap music and start doing gangster moves.)

(Jazz thinks it's sexy when I do that.)

--------

Rule #246: Beer can hats are banned.

(Sunny and Sides wanted one for energon cubes.)

(Ratchet pitching arm is getting better.)

--------

Rule #247: Never ask Wheeljack to make you a Fat man from Fallout 3.

(Leo got one for his birthday.)

(He passed out.)

(From happiness or fear, no idea.)

--------

Rule #248: Never ask Dad to say, 'All the shorties in the house say , 'Yeah!'

(Just the mere thought of him saying that makes my hair stand on end.)

(So embarrassing.)

--------

Rule #249: Whenever you are overcome by uncontrollable laughter, never yell out 'OW! My ribs!'

(Bumblebee, Barricade, and Jazz know what that means.)

(I ended up getting examined by Ratchet.)

-------

Rule #250:No wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men.

(It frightens them.)

(And contrary to belief, they did not keep Ratchet company.)

--------

Rule #251: Never mention Baconaisse, Bacon vodka, bacon toothpaste, bacon toothpicks, or anything bacon related.

(They already think we eat unhealthy enough.)

(Fassbinder bought me bacon lip balm.)

(It's BACON!)

--------

Rule #252: Never say to Grimlock, 'Thank you for nothing, you useless reptile.'

(He got huffy.)

(Wheeljack made him go have time out.)

-------

Rule #253: Never play Russian roulette with a nerf gun when any mechs are in the room.

(Dad and Bumblebee nearly had spark attacks when they saw Sam pointing it at his head.)

-------

Rule #254: Never let any mech watch the episode of Mythbusters where they put the dead pigs into that corvette.

(Sunny wouldn't stop crying.)

(Big baby.)

-------

Rule #255: No...Inspector Gadget is not a technorganic!

-------

Rule #256: Nobody is allowed to dress like Kenny from Southpark.

(Ratchet doesn't want to take any chances.)

-------

Rule #257: Don't call a Star Trek fan a 'Spock-sucker' or a 'Trekkie.' They seem to find that offensive.

(This is more of life lesson.)

-------

Rule # 258: Never let me and Sideswipe plot anything.

(Nothing good can come out of that.)

(Sunny got jealous.)

-------

Rule #259: Watch your language around Sparrow.

(Dad glitched slightly when Sparrow cooed out, 'Prowl big fragface.)

(Jazz nearly broke a circuit laughing.)

-------

That's it for now folks!

Any ideas, let me know right away!

Review!


	12. Chapter 12

Okay, I lied!

The Guidelines are not ending anytime soon!  
Not that anyone is complaining!

I am afraid my beloved beta fish, Ninja, is sickly with a fishy disease called Fin Rot...which is thankfully very treatable but I can't help but blame myself of not spotting it sooner.

So hopefully he will make it...

But anyway, onto more rules!

Enjoy!

------

The Guidelines for living with Giant Alien Robots!

By Tatyana Witwicky

------

Rule #260: Never challenge any of the mechs or femmes to Are you smarter than a fifth grader?.

(Dad...yes.)

(Barricade...yes.)

(Ironhide...yes.)

(Ratchet...yes.)

(Hound...yes.)

(Perceptor...definitely yes.)

(Cliffjumper...sort of.)

(Sideswipe and Sunstreaker...shockingly, yes.)

(Bumblebee...kind of.)

(Jazz...sure.)

(Mudflap and Skids...not even close.)

-------

Rule #261: Never apply make-up in the car.

(I spilled glitter all over Dad's seats.)

(He was very unhappy.)

(Mascara stains quite horribly.)

--------

Rule #262: Never threaten to kill Sam...even if you are joking.

(You will have Bumblebee's cannon in your face faster than you can blink.)

(He still won't let me near Sam.)

(Stupid Sam still won't stop smirking in my direction.)

(He said I looked scared enough too pee myself.)

(I was so not that scared.)

(Excuse me while I go get some other pants.)

--------

Rule #263: Never play the Llama song over and over and over again.

(All music players were confiscated until further notice.)

(I threw a brick at Skids.)

(Ironhide threw Skids.)

(Where you may ask?)

(Out the window.)

--------

Rule #264: Never let Wheeljack watch Jimmy Neutron.

(Do I really need to explain this one?)

--------

Rule #265: No singing any of Fantasyaddict101's Christmas jingles.

(Although they are fraggin' hilarious!)

('O Megatron, O Megatron...how wimpy is your blaster?')

(That is now the personal favorite of Dads.)

---------

Rule #266: Wheeljack is no longer allowed near Psyche without supervision.

(My poor dog.)

---------

Rule #267: When calling Leo, Miles, Sharsky, Fassbinder, or Sam..never decide to act out your favorite line from Robot Chicken Star Wars special.

('Now get your 7'2" Asthmatic ass back here! Or I'm going to tell everyone what a whiny bitch you turned into about Padamey or Panda Bear or whatever the hell her name was!')

(That got a few stares.)

(Jazz and Bumblebee got it.)

(The others not so much.)

----------

Rule #268: Never quote Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

('Bring out your dead!')

('It's just a flesh wound!')

(Shockingly, Dad likes that movie.)

(He laughed.)

-------

Rule #269: Never suddenly exclaim: 'I WANT TO BE MEGATRON/STARSCREAM/SOUNDWAVE'S 'FACING SLAVE!!'

(Even if you are just kidding.)

(I was immediately swept away to the Medbay by the Ratchet and he ran a thousand scans.)

(Jazz owes me so big for that one.)

--------

Rule #270: Do not call Prowl a prick within his hearing range.

(Unless you want to wash Cybertronian size toilets.)

(And here I thought those were just rumors.)

(How wrong was I!)

--------

Rule #271: Never quote Larry the cable guy.

*I'd be madder than a two fingered cripple trying to return a text message!'  
*'My brother was eliminated from the spelling bee. Apparently there is no eight in the words 'Pollinate.'  
*'I was madder than a skinhead watching The Jeffersons.'

--------

Rule #272: Never quote anything from The Big Bang Theory. Especially the dialogue between Sheldon and Leonard.

(Bumblebee and Barricade have taken to calling me and Sam by those names.)

(Take a guess who's who.)

-------

Rule #273: Never give any of the Bots nerf guns.

(Those can't really hurt you.)

(Skids and Mudflap don't clean up the darts after playing with them.)

(I shot one at Ratchet.)

(It stuck to his aft.)

(Attack of the flying wrenches!)

------

Rule #274: Never put bumper sticks on Autobots.

(Not even the funny, witty ones.)

(My favorite one was 'Bad cop, No Donut!' that Fassbinder placed on Barricade when he was recharging.)

(He runs very fast when being shot at.)

(It's still there!)

-------

Rule #275: Never start singing, 'Bella notte', whenever you see Ironhide and Chromia.

(She can be really scary.)

(No wonder Ironhide likes her.)

-------

Rule #276: Never let Jazz watch Camp Rock.

(Curse you Mikaela!)

(Jazz, Mudlfap and Skids wanted to learn how to sing.)

(Dad, Ironhide, and Barricade said, 'No way in the Pit!')

(Jazz actually pouted!)

(He's so cute when he pouts!)

-------

Rule #277: Never make up names for your bra. (Me, Mikaela.)

Such as:  
*Nip ups!  
*Milk Duds.  
*Flat and flabby.  
* Pulley boys!

(That will really confuse them.)

(Or alarm them.)

(Either way it's funny.)

--------

Rule #278: Never start singing, 'Pants on the ground!'

(But it feels good!)

(Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground, giddyup!)

-----

Rule #279: There is no life on Pandora...there is no Pandora!

(So Wheeljack, stop making preparations to go find it!)

(No Sunny, I don't think the women there will fall in love with you!)

(Yellow is so not there color.)

------

Rule #280: Never quote Jeff Dunham. Even though he is a comic genius!

*'Silence! I kill you!' (My personal quote whenever I have to deal with the twins.)  
*Watching Nascar and drinking beer!'  
*'I just stood outside of the IRS building and flipped them off!'  
*'Welcome to Wal-Mart! Get your shit and get out!' (Sam and I personal motto when shopping at Wal-Mart!)

------

Rule #281: 'It's not Porn! It's a cartoon!'

(Hentai is very amusing.)

(I thought so anyway.)

------

Rule #282: Whenever there is a Decepticon attack, never respond with the following.

*'We are so screwed!'  
* 'I can't die! I'm still a virgin!' (Glen.)  
* 'We better start praying to Primus...not even God will help us!'  
* We're fucked! We are fucked!'  
* 'I call shot gun!'  
* 'Quick! Find a virgin to sacrifice!!' (Sunny.)(Glen ran screaming.)

(Dad said his processor hurt...very bad.)

------

Hahahaha yess!!

More Rules!!

This story is not going to end for some time!!!

More rule ideas are welcome!!

Review!


	13. Chapter 13

Woooott!!

More rules!! This is just way to much fun to quit!

So many things!!  
Thank you for all of the rule ideas!

Fantasyaddict101, Tenshi of Light21, Inspire165, xxIronhideForeverxx, ViciousViper15, VolturiGirl, Robin Princess Starfire, Riku's music lover, and MIScrazyaboutfanfics!

You all rock!!

Onward!

------

The Guideline for living with Giant Alien Robots!

By Tatyana Witwicky

------

Rule #283: Never put condoms on all of the door knobs.

(Lennox's grossed out yell caught everyone's attention.)

('Why is the door knob lubed!?')

(Mikaela and I nearly died laughing.)

(Sunny and Sides gave us major props for that one.)

(So did Sarah.)

------

Rule #284: Just because we have cars that can drive themselves, do not assume that they will let you text or talk on your cell phone.

(Dad pulled over and refused to go until I put my cell away.)

(Bumblebee tends to swerve all over the road.)

(My spark/heart nearly stopped when little metallic claws came out and snatched it away.)

(The Cop gave me a weird look when I told him my truck stole my phone.)

(I can imagine him thinking I needed therapy when I yelled, 'DAD!' after he left.)

(Especially after he saw I was alone in the vehicle.)

------

Rule #285: Aunt Jude is no longer allowed to give the Chevy twins 'Bling.'

('That's their bling!')

(My eye is still twitching.)

(*twitch, twitch*)

------

Rule #286: Never challenge any Autobot to a game of twister.

(That is a disaster waiting to happen.)

(Sunny's arm fell off.)

(His hand ended up grabbing someone's aft.)

(That someone happened to be a certain Weapons specialist.)

(Chromia actually giggled.)

-------

Rule #287: Never let any of the mechs watch that movie Cats and Dogs.

(They still give Mojo, Frankie, and Psyche funny looks.)

(Jolt was upset when I told him my dog was not a secret agent.)

(And kitties are not evil!)

-------

Rule #288: Never quote Whose line is it anyway.

*' I burned all of your clothes and set fire to your camaro.' (Bumblebee nearly had a spark attack.)  
* 'I'll be your lightening rod of hate!' (Dad and Ironhide were confused when Jolt said that.)  
* 'The cat!'  
* 'Do you have any Plutonium?'  
* 'You'll never get passed the little tea pots!'  
* 'I'll be all the props for these men!'

(Like I said before, what is funny to us...just confuses them.)

(Jolt has a new nickname.)

('Hey Lightening Rod of hate!! Get over here!')

(At least no one has called Epps 'Captain Hair.')

-------

Rule #289: Watching the Power Rangers, especially the old version, is a big no-no...especially around the bots.

(Mudflap and Skids won't stop saying, 'It's Morphin' time!')

(Ironhide shot them repeatedly.)

(Sam still does it though at random intervals.)

-------

Rule #290: Never talk or act like a munchkin.

(Leo...Sam.)

(I nearly pissed myself laughing.)

(Bumblebee, Mudflap, and Skids were laughing just as hard.)

------

Rule #291: Never piss off Aunt Jude when she is visiting the base.

(She says some very odd things when she is mad.)

('That is not funny! You are grounded til menopause!')

(And of course, being a Witwicky, I had to respond with, 'Yours or mine?')

(Aunt Jude rocks! She responded with, 'Your fathers!')

(Dad was very confused...and slightly worried.)

(Sam and I were laughing.)

------

Rule #292: Beverages are no longer allowed in Autobots. Except if it has a lid.

(I spilled grape juice.)

(Hound has a big purple spot on his aft.)

(Oops.)

------

Rule #293: Make sure Jazz doesn't use his nicknames for your breasts near Dad.

('Remember our 'Good times' last night, baby?')

(Jazz...you basturd. I love you anyway.)

-----

Rule #294: Never decide to get Sunny back by putting something in his paint so that when it dries, it chips off.

('Eww..Sunny has Dandruff!')

(We knew he was hiding in Dad's office.)

(All we did was follow the paint chips.)

('Follow the yellow chip road!')

------

Rule #295: When watching Harry Potter, never suddenly exclaim, 'Voldemort is so dreamy!'

(Jazz shot the TV when Voldemort came on again.)

(My Harry Potter books have mysteriously vanished.)

(Jazz disappeared for a few days.)

(He came back just as they were airing this story of how Ralph Fiennes broke his nose.)

(Apparently, he tripped over a silver Pontiac Solstice GXP tires.)

(He then commented at how odd it was, because it appeared that the front reached out and tripped him.)

(Oh man, Jazz was in trouble.)

(I thought it was kind of sweet.)

(In a weird over-protective kind of way.)

-------

Rule #296: No Nerf swords.

(Ironhide did not appreciate getting stabbed with those.)

(Nerf toys cannot hurt you...too badly.)

-------

Rule #297: Do not pop Popcorn without putting the lid on. Especially if you are making quite a bit.

(The Rec. Room was a mess.)

(It was a sea of popcorn!)

(Sam had to dive in to unplug the machine.)

(Galloway was buried up past his head.)

(I enjoy swimming in popcorn.)

(Dad was slightly alarmed to walk in and see the room awash in a sea of white.)

------

Rule #298: Never blurt out, 'VOLDEMORT'S NIPPLE!' from Potter Puppet Pals.

(Mikaela is so damn funny!)

-----

Rule #299: Never touch Ironhide's weapons.

(I learned the hard way.)

(The real hard way.)

(I didn't do it again.)

(Although it was so tempting.)

-----

Rule #300: No more High School Musical!

(Maggie and Mikaela won't stop singing, 'We're all in this together!', just to remind us we are a team.)

(Mudflap and Skids don't know what 'Bop to the Top' means...)

(Sam compared Chromia to Sharpay.)

(You do not even want to know what happened after that.)

------

Rule #301: Don't skip college classes.

(Barricade caught me.)

(Who would've thought that former Decepticons cared so much about education?)

------

Rule #302: Never let the Bots watch, 'Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy.'

(Please, don't.)

-----

Rule #303: Never play the song, 'Please don't stop the music.'

(Jazz took that way to literally.)

------

Rule #304: After eating a huge meal to the point of bloating, never rub your stomach and blurt out, 'It's a boy!'

(Ratchet was alarmed when Sam said that.)

(Mikeala and I were losing it.)

------

Rule #305: The little joke, 'Got your nose!' is now banned.

(Not my fault that Skids and Mudflap are dumb enough to believe it.)

------

Holy Crap!!

Three hundred rules!!

Robin Princess, the answer is in Meet the Cousin!

Thank you everybody!!

YAYY!!


	14. Chapter 14

More rules!!

Whooooo!!

Oh my gosh I am so excited!!

Over 7,000 views! Holy crap!

And!

Tattoo, tattoo, tattooo!!!! XD  
It is so awesome!

I am now a Autobot! Hah! I wish!

The Autobot symbol is now forever embedded in my leg!!

Yay!  
Thank you everyone! You all rock!

Onward!!

-----

The Guidelines for living with giant alien robots!

By Tatyana Witwicky.

-----

Rule #306: Never start singing, 'Who's the leader of our 'Bots that's made for you and me? O-P-T-I-M-U-S P-R-I-M-E!"

(He thought it was funny the first three times.)

(He soon got annoyed when everyone started parading around singing it for two hours.)

(That included Ironhide.)

(I was on the floor laughing.)

-----

Rule #307: We are forbidden (all of the girls) to do a fake pole dance.

(Jazz was very upset.)

(So was Ironhide.)

(And Sunstreaker.)

(Not that they would admit it of course.)

------

Rule #308: I am no longer allowed to play the song, 'Good girl gone bad.'

(I had to explain that Sam was not turning Mikeala evil to Red Alert.)

(He still doesn't believe me.)

(Big surprise.)

------

Rule #309: Never say that Starscream looks like a giant Dorito chip.

(I just said that randomly while eating Doritos.)

(Sam, Leo, and Miles nearly choked with laughter.)

(Sunny and Sides now call Starscream the 'Giant Dorito of doom.')

(As does everyone on base.)

(Even Dad.)

(General Morshower was very confused when Lennox accidently said it during a meeting.)

-------

Rule #310: When kidnapped by said Dorito of doom, it is perfectly alright to torment him into letting you go.

Examples:

*Throw up in him.  
*Take control of his steering.  
*Say, 'Are we there yet?' over and over. (That was Dad's idea.)  
*Start singing every annoying song you can think of. 'This the song that never ends.' 'It's a small world after all.' 'I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts!'  
*And finally, sing the ever popular song...'You scream, we scream, we all scream for Starscream!' Then take control of steering again.

(He literally threw me at Dad and begged him not mention this to anyone.)

(He ran away from me.)

(I giggled.)

-------

Rule #311: Never, ever shove multiple raisins up your nose for a bet.

(Sam said he thought one was rattling around in his brain.)

(Ratchet was amazed he managed to fit over twenty in there.)

(His nose, not his brain.)

(Sam then proceeded to blame me for that.)

('This reminds me of the pussy willow! Remember Tai, the pussy willow?')

(Why he hasn't let that go yet is beyond me.)

(All I said to him was I bet he couldn't fit it up his nose.)

(He's the one who crammed it up there!)

-------

Rule #312: When hitching a ride with Optimus (Dad), never try to get other truck drivers to honk at you.

(He really hates that.)

(Sam and I tend to do that quite a bit.)

(He said his processor hurt afterwards.)

(We now have 'Cade and Bee drive us everywhere.)

-------

Rule #313: When the Mythbusters say, Don't try this at home...don't try it at home!

(Yes, home also means Base.)

(We don't want a repeat of the Banana peel incident.)

(Dad slipped on some and fell on his face.)

(Right in Ultra Magnus's crouch plating.)

(...Awkward...)

(They still can't look at each other.)

------

Rule #314: Never decide to use Leo's FTJ motto.

('Fuel to jet! Fuel to jet!')

(Wheeljack started using it.)

(Ratchet got annoyed.)

(As did Dad.)

(And Sam.)

(And Mikeala.)

(And Simmons.)

(I threw a very blunt object at Leo's head.)

----

Rule #315: Don't let Mojo near Ironhide.

(I know there is a rule about this already, but Prowl wants to make sure that it is understood.)

(Mojo peed on him again.)

(I think he thinks that 'Hide is a giant black fire hydrant.)

------

Rule #316: Never give Leo cotton candy.

(Leo + Sugar= disaster.)

(He ran around the base yelling at random bots, 'Traitor!')

(He pointed at Barricade.)

(And the twins.)

(Even Dad.)

(Red Alert actually believed him and wrote all of those bots on the 'List of Possible traitors.')

(I couldn't stop laughing.)

(Dad was not amused.)

(He has the whole one eyebrow arch thing down.)

-------

Rule #317: Never poke any mech or femme in the optic.

(Fingerprints are quite hazardous.)

(Ironhide couldn't see straight and nearly blew another door at the base.)

-----

Rule #318: Bets in general are now forbidden.

(Dad hasn't forgotten about the raisin incident.)

(Not to mention the who can hold their breath the longest.)  
*Sam passed out.  
*As did Leo.  
*And Miles.  
*I won.

(Or Pet a human day.)

-----

Rule #319: Make sure your Botfriend knows the difference between an orgasm and a scream.

(Jazz and I were...never mind, won't go into that.)

(Sunny walked in, saw me, and made a face.)

(I saw him and yelled out in excitement, 'SUNNY!')

(Jazz was very offended.)

-------

Rule #320: Never ask 'Why?' over and over and over again.

(I think I actually glicthed out Perceptor!)

(Holy Primus's boxer shorts!)

(Even Ratchet was amazed by that.)

(And slightly alarmed.)

-------

Rule #321: Never quote Mystery Science Theater 3000.

* 'What a lovely arrangement of popcorn balls!'  
* 'C'mon, let's go grope that eskimo!'  
* 'It's Coilie's army of darkness! Look!' (Red Alert nearly went into stasis again!)  
* 'Thank goodness for the internal gentile.' (Hahaha Will.)  
* 'Don't go up there! You'll become a toy!'  
* 'You could survive reentry in that dress.'  
* 'Lot's of loose soil to bury someone out here...Hey!'  
*' He's coming! Look Polish everyone! (I suggested that should be out new signal when Megatron is nearby.)(Lennox just looked at me with a raised eyebrow.)

('Are you sure they don't need electric shock therapy?')(Jolt aka Sparky.)

(I then imagined something very blunt and medieval falling on his head.)

------

Rule #322: Someone please the Bots a guide to metaphors!

(On second thought, don't.)

(Carefully explain metaphors and go away.)

(We do not need them creating their own or using ours.)

------

Rule #323: Never call Sunstreaker, 'Mr. Sparkle.'

(His death glares are freaky.)

(Glen and I were laughing hysterically.)

------

Rule #324: Never scream out, 'IT'S ALIVE!' throughout the day.

(Like if I/Sam/Mikaela/Will/Maggie attempt cooking.)

(Or when one of the Bots wake up from recharge.)

------

Wow!

324 rules and I'm still going!!

Review!

Thank you everyone for all of your ideas!!


	15. Chapter 15

Once again, more rules!!

Thank you all for such amazing ideas!  
You all rock!

Onward!

-----

The Guideline for living with giant alien robots!

By Tatyana Witwicky

-----

Rule #325: Never decide to make up your own Self-help videos.

(Everyone at NEST had fun with this one!)

(Way to much Whose line!)

*'Hello...and welcome to drinking for professionals..' (Miles.)  
*'How would you like to be an exotic dancer?' (Sam.)  
*'Welcome to Dog's have prostates too.' (Lennox.)  
*'Hi scouts! Welcome to anyone can Masturbate.' (Me.)  
* 'Take the magazine in your left hand, lower your pants and read.' (Epps.)

(Trust me, there were others but Prowl insisted not putting those in.)

-----

Rule #326: Never go into the shooting range when Ironhide is in there and start skipping back and forth in place going, 'You're end...my end...you're end...my end...'

(He is so easily annoyed.)

(Mudflap, Skids, Sunny, and Sides kept doing it.)

(I remember almost passing out with laughter.)

------

Rule #327: Don't count the stars.

(So far, I am at 45,669,192,839 and counting.)

(I am so bored.)

------

Rule #328: This is for Mudflap and Skids. Never knock on my door like Sheldon from the Big bang Theory.

(My room is not that big!)

(You only need to say my name one time.)

(Even Sunny and Sides know that.)

('Tai! Tai! Tai! Tai! Tai! Tai!')

------

Rule #329: When Sam has his morning coffee, move out of the way of the bathroom.

(Every morning it's the same thing.)

('Morning everyone!' He takes a sip then freaks out. 'Fire in the hole!')

('Quick Leo, open the bathroom door! I don't care if you're rubbing one out, I got to drop a resume!')

(Ratchet asked me what he meant by that.)

(I just kept my head down and ate my poptarts.)

------

Rule #330: It is forbidden to scream these responses when answering a question, whether talking to an Autobot, techorganic, or human.

-No I will not make out with you!  
-No I will not have sex with you!  
-No I will not go to third base with you!  
-That should wait for when we are back in our private quarters.  
-No, I believe that Optimus's is, not Ironhide's.  
-*gasp* *slap*  
-I can't believe you would talk to me that way!  
-Are you finally coming out to me?

(Jazz glared at Leo for the duration of the day.)

(Leo was horrified when I said sentence numero two very loudly, in the .)

(My dad's glare is very frightening.)

-----

Rule #331: Never randomly start singing Disney songs.

(The Bots liked them at first, but then the twitching started.)

(Especially after these numbers.)

*Bippidty boppity boo. (Wheeljack kept singing it while experimenting.)  
*. (Apparently, others do not get the same amount of joy out of this one as I do.)  
*It's a small world after all. (No caption necessary for this one.)  
* The hula song from Lion king. (I dared Leo and Sam to run into the rec room and attempt it.)( I forgot to mention Defense Secretary Keller was visiting.)(Keller thought it was absolutely hysterical.)(Even Dad was laughing quite hard.)  
*Pink elephants on parade. (That scene freaked Ironhide out.)(Annabelle is no longer allowed to watch Dumbo at the base.)  
*Grim grinning ghosts. (Of course, my favorite.)  
*Zip-a-dee-doo-da. (Sunny and Sides are still singing it.)

-----

Rule #332: Never quote Lewis Black.

*'It's not soy milk. It's soy juice.' (Will.)  
*'The good die young...but pricks live forever!!' (That sentence is dedicated to Galloway.)  
*'It is absolutely stupid to think we have a hole in the O-zone layer...we have men, we have rockets, we have seran wrap...FIX IT!!' (Wheeljack took that literally.)(Sam and I quickly had to stop him.)(Odds are, he would've done more damage to himself.)

-----

Rule #333: THE FOLLOWING PRANK IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED:

Never hide a pop up alien in your shirt, then in the middle of a huge group of Autobots, say your stomach hurts then make the little alien pop out.

(They all screamed IT WAS SO EPIC!)

(But Prowl, Red Alert, Dad, Jazz, and a bunch of other bots glitched and 'fainted.')

(Ratchet shrieked, (as they all did), then raced me to med-bay. I was this close to getting 546 stitches and multiple blood transfusions.)

(Dad was very unhappy.)

------

Rule #334: Stop saying 'Don't be sucking the sack!'

(Don't be sucking it!)

------

Rule #335: Do NOT give Miles chocolate milk.

(He then ate all the chocolate on base.)

(Including my stash.)

(He then threw up.)

(Gross.)

------

Rule #336: Don't try to teach the chevy twins, 'The Electric slide.'

(They misunderstood the whole meaning.)

(Annabelle got a pretty nasty electric shock when she went on the playground.)

(Her hair stood straight up.)

(Ratchet and Ironhide were very pissed.)

(I told the twins to go hide.)

------

Rule #337: Don't play the song, 'Blame it on the Alcohol.'

(Epps, Lennox, and everyone else use it as a excuse to drink more beer.)

(Ratchet threw it all out when they were passed out on the floor.)

(Galloway was very angry when all of the Budlight was gone.)

-------

Rule #338: No more saying, 'That's what she said.'

(That gets annoying really quickly.)

('Megatron's on your rear!')

('Hey, that's what she said!')

-----

Rule #339: Also, no more saying, 'That's what [insert any Autobot's name here.] said.'

----

Rule #340: Never quote Chowder. Prowl really wants to make sure this one is understood.

* 'I'm not your boyfriend!'  
* 'I'm almost not gonna kill you!' (I love saying that to the Chevy twins.)  
* 'Pepper spray? That sounds delicous!' (It's not.)  
* 'Burple nurples!'  
* 'Trees are tall. And if you fall from tall, you go quiet forever!'  
* 'Failure tastes like a bad turnip...I don't even like turnips!!'  
* (This was a funny argument between Barricade and I.)

Me: Barricade, how long have we known each other?'

Barricade: (In car mode.)(He revs his engine.)

Me: Right, and how many times have I been wrong?'

(He revved his engine again.)

Me: 'Really? That many?'

('Cade is rad.)(Everyone got a bit of a chuckle out of that.)

* 'Hey! Come back! I'm not done ignoring you!'  
* 'But waiting hurts my soul!' (I enjoy saying that to Dad.)  
* 'But everyone has a catch phrase!' (Lennox refused to say, 'Now you know...and knowing is half the battle.')(Kill joy.)  
* 'I like time travel! I also like kangaroos and circus tents!' (That is fun saying at random intervals.)  
*' Chaboodles!!'  
* 'Men don't cry. They weep!' (Sam was crying during Finding Nemo.)  
* 'My inner voice tickles my spleen.' (Don't say that around Ratchet.)  
* 'Radda, radda, radda.'

(There's so many more, but Prowl is glaring.)

-------

Rule #341: Don't ever decide to try out the 'Cup test' from Jackass.

(Leo's balls take so much abuse.)

(The sledgehammer was my favorite.)

(Sam held it up pretty high.)

(Even though Leo was laughing, he looked slightly frightened.)

(It's amazing what note a guy can hit when hit the crotch hard enough.)

(Ratchet was slightly alarmed when Leo's voice was so high.)

-------

Rule #342: Never try to explain to The Powerpuff girls to Wheeljack.

(He wnated to make his own 'Chemical X' and make Me, Maggie, and Mikaela super heros.)

('I call being Blossum!')(Mikaela.)

('I'm so Bubbles!')(Maggie.)

(Buttercup is badass!)

(But Dad said no.)

------

Rule #343: Never lock Mudflap and Skids in a room and start playing, 'It's a small world after all.'

(Mudflap lost a servo.)

(And a optic.)

(And his hearing.)

(Ratchet was amused.)

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Whoo! I love this!

Almost 200 reviews!! Holy Primus's polka dotted panties!

Keep the rule ideas coming people!

Also, for those of you who have The Fallen meets the cousin, I have rewrote it!

Well, chapter 2...I am working on chapter 3!

Review!


	16. Rule 114

Here is another short for my rules!

This one popped into my head and it just seemed perfect!  
Mikaela and Tai mischief!

Enjoy!

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Rule #114: Never blow up a female condom to full capacity and let it fly.

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'That was the most awkward situation I have ever been in.'

It was just another day for one Tatyana Witwicky/Prime and Mikaela Banes. The shiny black and white form of Barricade gleamed in the sunlight as he drove the two girls from this place called, 'Planned Parenthood.' Looking up the meaning, he found out it was a place where 'sexually active' and hormonally stressed out youngling's went to get weird little glove things and these pills and patches and so many more odd little things.

'It was just a pelvic exam, Tai.' Mikaela chuckled from the passenger seat. 'All girls get them. Got to check the engine to see if it's in working order.'

'You know how hard it is to transform metal into wet, slick flesh?' Tai glanced at her best friend through her shaggy black bangs with a smirk. 'Not so easy.'

'Okay, that's enough!' Barricade's gruff voice snapped through the radio.

'Oh Cade, we're just talking about our amazing, glorious vagina's!' Tai gestured downward , sweeping her hands around her pelvic region. 'Which are very beautiful things.'

Mikaela leaned forward to steady her laughing form. Tai was so damn funny.

'God Tai, you crack me up!' She gasped out.

'Well, you know, I do put the Wit in Witwicky.' She then in turn joined in the immense explosion of giggles as Barricade grumbled. 'Femmes.'

'We heard that!'

-------

After letting the two girls out, Barricade transformed and stalked into the hanger, grumbling to himself. When he walked into the Recreational room, he spotted Bumblebee and Sam sitting on the bot couch, well Sam was on Bee's shoulder, and they seemed to be watching this cartoon called, 'The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack.' He and Tai would watch that every now and then when he wasn't out on a mission.

He found that show to be quite humorous.

Sam looked up and chuckled at the sight of the slightly disturbed looking Ex-Con. 'So, how'd it go?'

The mustang glared at Bumblebee and pointed one sharp digit at him 'You owe me so big after this one.' Bee simply whirred in a 'Yeah, sure, whatever' tone and turned back to the TV, letting out a loud sigh through his vents.

'I'm guessing it went fine for them but awkward and weird for you?' Sam laughed, leaning against the side of Bee's head.

Cade nodded with a roll of his red optics. 'All they talked about were their glorious vaginas and these weird glove things that look like those sugary substances you humans seem very addicted too.' He shuddered violently.

Optimus then walked in from behind them. He had that look he usually had when he had just finished talking to Mister Galloway...very, very stressed. He rubbed the area where his temples would be and sank down on his own 'arm chair' that was beside the giant sofa. 'I think I met the first human I loathe.' He mumbled, continuing to rub his temples.

'Oh it happens Prime.' Sam nodded in understanding. 'You have every right to hate a few humans.'

Tai and Mikaela then walked in, laughing insanely while carrying a small purple gift bag. 'Hey Dad!' Tai called, waving her robotic arm excitedly.

Optimus smiled a true smile at the sight of his excited daughter and lowered his hand for to climb up onto. After giving her Dad a big hug and kiss on his face, Tai was settled down back next to Mikaela. 'So, how was your Doctor's appointment?' Optimus asked, making sure Ratchet was not in hearing distance. He was not the biggest fan of human doctors and their methods.

'Oh it wasn't bad...the guy with the white glove was surprisingly gentle..' She then grinned at her Dad's confused face. 'But seriously though, it wasn't that bad.' She then mimicked putting on gloves and holding her arms up like a doctor before making the gesture of shoving it up something.

Sam and Bee chuckled while Barricade simply glared.' I'm going to go into my corner and go into my zone.' He grumbled, stalking away to his quarters.

'Have fun in your emo corner!' Tai called to her retreating guardian. She laughed loudly when he flipped her off from over his shoulder.

'Your finger says, 'Fuck off!' but your mind says, 'I love you, Tai! You're the best little sister ever!' She yelped when a large empty drum of oil flew down the hallway and tumbled right by her. 'Luckily, my Ninja skills kicked in! Douchebag!' She then flipped him off as well.

Optimus groaned slightly, pinching the bridge of his noseplate. Those two and their odd relationship. He recalled Sam saying something about it was the kind which people are like, 'I care about you, so I'm going to threaten you.' Something like that anyway.'You kids and your shenanigans.' He chuckled, getting up and heading to his quarters for a small recharge. He always felt he needed one after talking with Galloway. He bent down and gave a gentle fatherly kiss on Tai's head and stood to his full height. 'I shall return in a few breems, sweetheart. Behave yourself.'

'Bye Dad!' Tai waved happily, feeling very loved.

With the help of Bumblebee, the two girls settled next to Sam. Mikaela leant into her boyfriend's side while Tai sat upside down on the couch, her feet propped up on the giant back cushion. Jazz was away on a mission with both Sunstreaker and Sideswipe, which was depressing but he comlinked her every single night. She was glad for the muting option on those things. For obvious reasons. Some of the things they said were not meant for virgin Audio receptors or her Dad's.

'So, what's in the bag?' Sam asked in interest, playing with Mikaela's hair. Tai giggled excitedly.

'My spoils!' She emclaimed, holding up. Unfortunately, she held it upside down causing her to yelp when all of the different colored wrappers fell on her face and all over her chest.

Sam plucked one up and examined it. 'Condoms?' He laughed out. Bumblebee twittered in curiosity.

'Nanananananana Trogan man!' Tai and Sam sang loudly, laughed hysterically, thier faces turning red from the force of their laughter as she sat right side up. She then looked up at Bee, who still looked very confused at the colorful little wrappers. 'No lovin' without the glovin'!' She then gave a thumbs up.

After rummaging through the various different kinds, Sam let out a loud laugh and held up a slightly larger wrapper. 'Whoa! A female condom! You hardly see any of these!'

Tai and Mikaela laughed hysterically while Bee looked even more confused. 'I was not aware that human females possessed the same interfacing equipment as the human males.'

That only made the young humans laugh harder.

'Oh Beeotch, we don't!' Tai patted his large metal hand. Unwrapping the packet, she pulled out the little rubber thing and stretched it out. 'Wow, but if we did...we women would be even more amazing then men!' The little rubber thing was about eight to nine inches long and it looked shiny.

'Ew, it's slimy!' Tai laughed, making no move to put it down.

Ratchet, curious as to why there was so much noise, walked into the Recreational room. 'What is going on in here?'

'We're playing with condoms.' Tai said casually, as if it was totally normal. She then smirked and placed the end of the condom to her lips and started to blow.

'Tai!' Sam exclaimed with a laugh. 'What are you doing?'

'What does it look like?' She asked in between breaths. 'I'm blowing up this condom so I can bounce it around like a balloon.'

'A balloon that makes ladies happy!' Mikaela chimmed in, laughing harder then ever.

'That is absolutely appalling!' Ratchet exclaimed in disgust.

'Don't be too disgusted Ratch.' Sam said. 'Compared to some of the other things she's done in life, this is relatively normal.'

The CMO shook his head. 'Humans are very odd creatures.' He turned to head back to his Med bay. At the same time, Tai was almost done blowing up the condom, which by now was three times bigger than when she started, when she suddenly let out a small exclaimation. 'Oh no!' The next thing everyone knew, except for Ratchet, the enlarged condom flew right out of Tai's hands, flew around the room, and landed on top of Ratchet's head.

Bee clicked in horror. Sam gasped in amazement. Mikaela and Tai however, were fighting back mad fits of laughter.

'What was that?' Ratchet asked in confusion, turning around.

'Nothin'!' Sam exclaimed, he himself starting to laugh.

After Ratchet left, Mikaela turned to Tai. 'Hey Tai, you got a pair of pants I could wear?'

Tai laughed even harder.

-----

Three hours later:

'Done and done. 'Ratchet sighed in contentment, putting his laser pen away and stretching his large yellow-green frame.

He checked his energon level and was amazed to see he was nearly empty, so with a loud yawn like sound and another stretch, he got up and headed to the Recreational room. Just as he was about to reach the door, he reached up to scratch the top of his head. He drew his hand back sharply when he felt something small and slimy. Taking the odd mysterious object between his fingers, he brought to his optics and got a good look at it.

His optics widened.

Tai and Mikaela were sitting with Optimus on the Bot couch, watching what looked like to be Dirty Jobs. Tai said he thought Mike Rowe was suave and sexy. Luckily, Jazz wasn't there. Optimus didn't want a repeat of the Ralph Fiennes incident. He smiled when he heard his daughter let out a soft sigh and when he felt her lean against his leg.

The stillness was broken when a yell of rage echoed from the hallway.

'TATYANA!!!!'

Tai's eye and optic snapped open while everyone else jumped about a mile off of their seats.

'Mikaela! Time for Operation 2.58!'

'Which operation is that again, Tai-dye?' The dark haired girl asked in a panic. 'There are so many!'

'Operation Leave room before wrenches start flying!'

With that, the two girls fled the room, leaving a very confused Optimus, an extremely pissed off Ratchet, and a smirking Barricade.

-------

YAAAY!

Another oneshot!  
I should totally write more!

Any more ideas, let me know!

Review!

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	17. Chapter 17

So close to four hundred rules!!

Holy Talito!! Bahahah  
I'm glad everyone is enjoying this!

And thank you all very much for your rule ideas!

Story recommendation: Ironhide's Guidelines for living on earth!

So hilarious! Not to mention it has Tai in it! So check it out!

Ironhideforever rocks!!

Anyway!

Onward to more rules!!

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The Guidelines for living with giant robots.

By Tatyana Witwicky.

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Rule #344: When training with Ironhide, make sure to follow these eight simple rules:

1. Stay limber. (It usually helps.)  
2. Never try to distract him. (Even though it's fun.)(Just as he was about to shoot, I yelled out, 'Hide! Hide! He's our guy! If he can't do it, then I will cry!')(He just turned to me and shushed me, violently.)  
3. When he says, 'Uh-oh.' Duck behind a wall and pray.  
4. Always bring ear plugs. (Leo was deaf in one ear for about two weeks.)  
5. When he tells you to do something, do it...no questions. (Just trust me on this one.)  
6. Never say, 'Ironhide made thingy go boom!'  
7. Never try to shoot one of his weapons. (Assume they have a kick.)(I went flying.)(Ended up being embedded into the wall of the base.)(I was fine.)(But Epps has taken to calling the indentation, 'Tai's landmark.')  
8. And the most important rule of all, No touchy of his guns. (He get very huffy.)

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Rule #345: Never try to teach anyone pig latin.

(Hilarious language.)

(Very fun to annoy the mechs with.)

(Also very funny when they attempt it so they won't get in trouble with my dad.)

('Can I alktay to ouyay in ivatepray?')(Mudflap thought he was being sneaky.)

(I responded with 'Okay Dokay.')

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Rule #346: Never start walking funny and then say randomly, 'I'm a pigeon.'

(I just about wet myself when Leo said that to Ratchet.)

(Ratchet took him away to be evaluated.)

(Haven't seen him for a couple of days now.)

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Rule #347: When something explodes, never say the following:

* 'Oh, someone put tin foil in the microwave.' (All microwaves are gone.)(I want my Hot pockets!)  
* 'I didn't do it...this time...' (Wheeljack.)  
* 'Damn plutonium!'  
* 'It went off prematurely!' (Figg.)  
* 'Ohh...pretty lights...'

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Rule #348: Once again, please don't quote Whose line.

(Prowl had no idea so many people would keep doing it.)

* 'There's nothing like Butt toast and head eggs.' (Dad's disgusted face was hilarious.)  
* 'Bathe the whales!'  
* 'Nice pants.' (Leo went around base saying that to everybody.)  
* 'Hmmmm...say ten hail Mary's and the Gilligan's island theme.'  
* 'You know, for as long as I can remember, I've had memories.'  
* 'SHUT UP AND TOUCH THE MONKEY!' (Sam and I yelled that out during a Decepticon attack.)(Don't ask.)  
* 'I'll have a cheeseburger, some fries, and a coooke!'  
* 'You seem real easy and willing to put out, so roll in the cream cheese, roll in the cream cheese.' (I could not believe when Sideswipe said that to Arcee.)  
* ' Somebody turn off the Michael Bolton music!!!'  
* 'There's nothing like a 200 hundred pound snatch, if you know what I mean.' (Mikaela and I threw our bagels at Sam.)

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Rule #349: Whenever you eat something spicy, dairy, or ethnic, no riding in Autobot's car mode until the food has passed through the digestive system entirely.

(We do not want a repeat of what happened when Will Lennox ate his oh-so-favorite hard boiled eggs.)

(Poor Ironhide.)

(I think he did it on purpose.)

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Rule #350: Flirty girls exercise poles also count as stripper poles.

(Nice try, Ironhide.)

(He thought he found a loophole.)

(He was wrong.)

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Rule #351: Never get back at Galloway by putting a Decepticon sticker on his car.

(Ironhide blew it up.)

(Galloway was very upset.)

(He stutters worse than Sam when he's angry.)

(Ironhide and I got in trouble.)

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Rule #352: Never start quoting the Simpsons.

(Everyone had way to much fun with this one.)

* 'Spider pig, Spider pig, does whatever a spider pig does...can he swing from a web, no he can't..he's a pig, look out...he is the Spider pig.' (The song traveled throughout the base faster than a virus.)  
* 'Just once, I would like someone to call me 'Miss', without the 'You're making a scene.' (That is my personal favorite.)(Sure, Homer said it with Sir, but I am no sir!)  
* 'I like my beer cold...my TV loud...and my homosexuals flaming!'  
* 'Stop pestering Satan!'  
* 'Possible side effects include loss of scalp and penis.'  
*' Just because I don't know doesn't mean I don't understand.' (Ironhide did not find that funny.)  
* 'That guy impressed me. And I'm not that easily impressed. Wow! A blue car!' (Jolt was alarmed when I pointed to him.)  
* 'Ohhh, my ovaries!' (Sam...if that excuse didn't work for Bart, what makes you think it was going to work for you?)  
* 'Mmm...pistol whip...'  
* 'I like Boobies!!' (Annabelle said that in front of everyone.)(Leo and Sam got in so much trouble with Lennox and Ironhide.)(I was laughing my ass off.)  
* 'D'oh!'  
* 'Dad, I want you to remember me as I am now...filled with murderous rage.' (That was after a rather nasty day with the Chevy twins.)

(I'm amazed we are still allowed to watch this show on base.)

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Rule #353: When I said no more High School Musical, that includes the sequel Mikaela!

(Mudflap and Skids won't stop singing, 'I don't dance.')

(Soundwave doesn't appreciate being tortured by listening to 'You are the music in me.' over and over and over again.)

(Although, that is damn funny!)

(Jazz has taken to listening to , 'Right here, right now,' over and over and over again.)

(I kindly told him to, 'STOP IT!')

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Rule #354: Do not prank Galloway.

(Even though it very tempting.)

(It puts a major strain on Autobot/human relations.)

(He was very unhappy when I spiked his shampoo with hair-dye, which made his hair a very bright pink color.)

(He knew something was wrong when everyone saw him and couldn't stop laughing.)

(Including me.)

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Rule #355: If you value your life...and your balls...never start singing the Sailormoon theme song whenever you see me transform!

(Leo, Miles.)

(It's very, very irritating!)

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Rule #356: And another thing...Stop calling me Sailor Cybertron!

(No longer that funny!)

(Sunny and Jazz keep calling me that.)

(I kindly told them to 'Frag off!')

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Rule #357: Miles, Leo, and Sam...please don't hog the bathroom!

(There are several of them on base!)

(Especially do not hog them when Mikaela, Maggie, or myself are having our monthly visit from Aunt Flo.)

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Rule #358: Never quote the Animaniacs.

(Even though it was the best cartoon in existence.)

* 'We protest you calling us "little kids". We prefer to be called "vertically impaired pre-adults.' (Sam and Miles.)  
* 'I think this uniform needs something; something that says "I'm here to destroy you", but with a sense of fun!'  
* Galloway, after a pretty hilarious prank involving silly string and his new Mercedes, to me and Sam.  
-'Why are you acting like this?'

-Sam, 'We're not acting, we really are like this.'

*'We will also prove that justice is not blind! She's crosseyed!'  
* 'I think I have a punishment for you that's fair, just, and clever. Or maybe just fairly clever.'  
*'You expect us poor innocent children to climb a dangerous scaffolding and paint naked people all over a church? WE'LL DO IT!!'

(We're animainy, totally insanely!)

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Another chapter!

Keep them rules coming my dearies!

Review!


	18. Chapter 18

I freaking love you all!! XD

So many awesome rules! I hope this Guideline story doesn't end!  
Please continue to inspire me everyone!

And this one is dedicated to Decepticon is Decepticon!

Just because! XDD

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The Guidelines for living with Giant Alien Robots.

by Tatyana Witwicky.

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Rule #359: Never call Jazz a 'bitchin' Pontiac.

(His ego is big enough.)

(Don't go stroking it.)

(And I mean that in the most threatening way possible.)

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Rule #360: Never grab a minibot and yell out, 'Gotta catch'em all!'

(Or tell them, 'I choose you!')

(They really hate that.)

(Really, really hate that.)

(Brawn utterly loathes Sam and I.)

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Rule 361: Do not say or do the following whenever Prowl is giving you, 'The look.'

* 'I didn't do it.'  
* 'I was framed! Not my fault someone left a donut in you!' (That stupid of me to say.)(He didn't mention a donut.)(I busted myself.)  
* 'Wanna a butter brickle?'  
* Point at the opposite person, trying to blame the other. (Miles and Leo.)  
* 'Funny story...you will laugh, and laugh...or glare...and glare some more, I'm just gonna go over here...' Then go and hide behind the closest mech or femme. (Sam.)  
* 'Don't you glare at me, mister!' (Sarah.)

(Prowl is a very scary mech.)

(Especially when extremely pissed.)

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Rule #362: Never ever show anyone on NEST base the movie Christine.

(It freaks out the noobs.)

(Mudflap and Skids enjoyed tormenting them by chasing them around the base.)

(Even Red Alert seemed to enjoy the soldiers fear.)

(That was until one of the soldiers tazed him.)

(They all stopped tormenting the new soldiers after that.)

(Dad had them punished.)

(Red Alert was made a car pool for Annabelle and her little preschool friends.)

(He still smells like apple juice and cookies.)

(I can still hear Ironhide cackling.)

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Rule #363: Do not ever try to explain edible under garments.

(Ratchet found them incredibly unsanitary.)

(I just so happened have a pair.)

('It's a candy bra!')

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Rule #364: Another short list of movies you need permission to watch:

1. Law Abiding citizen. (They were impressed with Gerad Butler's intelligence.)(The rigged cell phone nearly sent all of the bots into stasis.)(All cell phones are confiscated until Wheeljack has them all checked.)

2. Paranormal Activity. (This one I can understand.)(Every little bump or noise made even my Dad jump a little.)(This movie actually made me jump.)(The ending where she stabbed her boyfriend, rocked back and forth for days, then she herself gets shot...that was way too much even for me.)

3. The Disney movie, Dinosaur. (Grimlock got really excited.)(Nearly dismantled Sludge while playing a reenactment from the film.)(Wheeljack and Ratchet has him put in emergency stasis until they could make him forget about that movie.)

4. Teeth. (Sunny went around screaming at the top of his vocal processor, 'Vagina denata!')(Mikaela and I could not stop laughing.)(Red Alert will not go near any of us ladies.)

5. Mouse Hunt. (Every little rodent that was found in the base was considered a threat.)(Even Annabelle's hamster.)

6. Little Shop of Horrors. (Now the Chevy twins are singing, 'Suddenly Seymour' whenever Simmons is on base.)(He blames me.)(I have no idea why.)(*snickers*)

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Rule #365: Never decide to make T-shirts for everyone on NEST without permission from my Dad, Prowl, or Ultra Magnus.

(Although they found them funny.)

- 'I survived: the Giant Dorito of doom.' (I wear that quite a bit.)  
- 'I survived: a typical Ratchet exam.'  
- 'I survived: Sunny and Sides.' (That is an achievement in itself.)  
- 'I survived: a pissed of Chromia.'  
- 'I survived: a cranky Sparrow.' (That was Jazz's idea.)(Sparrow can scream very loudly.)  
- 'I survived: so much crap, it won't fit on one shirt!'  
- 'I survived Prowl.' (Need I say more....)

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Rule #366: Do not make your own version of 'Playbot.'

(For the record, Prowl didn't force me to make this rule...)

(In fact, I haven't seen him in a few days.)

(..I just remembered he has all the copies of Playbot..)

(Ew.)

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Rule #367: Unless Annabelle is on base, no PBS, Nick Jr., Playhouse Disney, and so on and so forth shows.

(Sesame street songs disturbed Ironhide.)

(Prowl's CPU crashed when he saw Annabelle watching 'Dinosaur Train.')

(Mudflap and Skids think Barney is evil.)

(Sparrow kept singing songs from Wonder Pets.)

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Rule #368: Never decide to hang the men's boxer shorts from the flagpole, then attempt the pledge of Allegiance.

(Galloway couldn't find his underpants.)

(I had no idea he wore boxers with little green men on them.)

(Leo apparently didn't like the fact that I found out he wore Teen Titan underwear.)

(I wear Hello Kitty ones.)

('I pledge Allegiance to the underpants!')

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Rule #369: Whenever someone asks you what the battle plan is, never respond with the following :

- 'It's over 9000!!!' (Fassbiner, Sharsky, and Leo now think I'm sexier than Mikaela.)(Oh joy..)  
- 'Hell if I know.'  
-'You are asking the person who ate fish food for twenty dollars.'  
-'The plan is you go out and I stay here...to keep watch...'  
-'I was gonna say 'sacrifice a virgin', but that didn't seem to work before..' (Glen, once again, ran away screaming.)  
-'You mean, you don't know?' (That is fun to scare the new soldiers with.)

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Rule #370: Never decide to change the words on the Decepticon Attack rating board.

(I couldn't help it..it was very tempting.)

(Instead of saying, Low, Medium, and High...)

(They now say the folling.)

-Jesus Christ!  
-Goddammit!

And finally,

-FUCK ME!!!

(Lennox thought it was highly hilarious.)

(Until Annabelle said the third one.)

(Haha...kids...)

-------

Rule #371: Never try to explain the show/book George Shrinks.

(Wheeljack wanted to make me three inches tall.)

(Mudflap taunted me with saying it won't make a difference.)

(Dad and Ratchet said no.)

(Mudflap ended up getting stuck to the ceiling.)

(When my Dad asked me how he got up there, I simply said, 'Duct tape.')

-------

Rule #372: Never run out of duct tape.

(Trust me.)

(It is a very useful device.)

(Especially with dealing with both Lambo and Chevy twins.)

(And it's shiny like Jazz.)

------

Rule #373: Never start quoting Jim Carrey.

(He is a comic genius!)

*'Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone!'  
*'Holy Jesus in Heaven! It's a giant Q-tip!' (That is Huffer's new name.)  
*'Well, don't dig to deep! Or you might get burned by the Molten Lava!'  
*'He who hesitates, masturbates.' (Sam glared at me.)(Bumblebee laughed.)  
-------

Rule #374: Do not go around NEST and start accusing people of being a Hobknocker.

(It is just rude.)

(Odds are most people will not know what it means.)

(And since Leo is not a large hairy man (or woman), Prowl automatically thought he was...slapping me...)

(*shudder*)

-------

Rule #375: Autobots, for the love of Primus's metal man tits, when certain girls and a techorganic start bleeding once a month, stop freaking out!

(It's totally FINE!! I swear!)

(Prowl logic glitched, Dad freaked, Red Alert rushed me to the medbay.)

(Yeah, it happened a while ago but still..god damn! I'm irked enough when Aunt Flo stops by, I DO NOT need Red Alert to scan me EVERY HOUR FOR FIVE DAYS!)

(I threw a tampon at him.)

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Rule #376: 'Cat, I'm a kitty cat...and I dance, dance, dance...and I dance, dance, dance!'

(Need I say more?)

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Rule #377: No Pencil-in-the-eye trick.

(Ratchet thought I jabbed my eye out.)

(They do not think it's funny.)

(My optic burned the pencil.)

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Sweet! More rules!

Thank you all so much!!  
Anymore, just let me know!!

The T-shirt rule belongs to my good friend, FantasyAddict101!

I want to make those shirts!

Review!


	19. Chapter 19

I had no idea my Guidelines would be so popular!

Two story recommendations!

Guidelines for living with AllSpark girls by Mapeline Alycia Hood!

And Guidelines for living with Decepticons by Decpeticon is Decepticon!

Both were inspired by my story and I feel so happy because of that!  
Keep up the amazing work ladies! :D

Oh and on a side note,

Please no suggestions for suicide rules. Alot of people have issue with that and this is supposed to be funny. So please, no more rules on hurting oneself or killing oneself.

Thank you all very much!

Onward!

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The Guidelines for living with Giant alien robots!

by Tatyana Witwicky.

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Rule #378: Now Prowl is having various T.V shows monitored as well. Which is understandable...I guess.  
The following shows are:

*Buffy the Vampire Slayer. (Red Alert wanted to contact her when he saw Miles, Leo, Sam, and I drinking blood pack energy drinks.)(Those are nasty, by the way.)  
*Kim Possible.(No Jolt, I still don't go on secret missions!)(And Mudflap and Skids, stop singing the theme song whenever you see me!)  
*Pushing up Daisies. (Very, very obvious one here.)(No, people cannot bring other people back to life.)  
*Lilo and Stitch. (Wheeljack wanted to make his own Illegal genetic experiments.)(Everyone said, 'Slag no!')  
*CatDog. (Yes, we are aware it is very unrealistic.)(No, Wheeljack, you cannot create a CatDog using Cosmic and Psyche.)  
*Super Hero Squad. (Sunny won't stop yelling, 'Alright Squadies! Hero up!')

(There are many, many more.)

(But, Prowl told me not to put them all.)

(*rolls eyes*)

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Rule #379: Never quote Super Troopers.

(Sam and I watch that way too much.)

*'I swear to God, I'll pistol whip the next guy who says shenanigans!'  
*'These boys get that syrup in 'em, they get all antsy in their pantsy.' (Sam and Leo actually did a syrup chugging contest.)(Ratchet was very unpleased to find vomit on his floor.)(And two groaning boys on the floor.)(I just realized how dirty that sounded.)(Haha.)  
*'I'll believe ya when me shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbet.'  
*'There was a time when we'd take a guy like you in the back and beat you with a hose. Now you've got your God-damned unions.' (Lennox's uses that quote quite a bit.)(Epps laughs every time.)  
*'It's really funny, Cap! It's Afghanistanimation.' (Sunny said that to Dad.)(The T.V. was turned off after that.)

(You all got that meow?)

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Rule #380: Never encourage any of the Bots to follow the Zombieland Rule book.

(Mudflap and Skids 'limbering up' was hilarious.)

(Ironhide now 'Double Taps' any Con he shoots.)

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Rule #381: Don't sing any songs from Avenue Q.

*'It sucks to be me.' (Sam singing that is so damn funny.)  
*'Everyones a little bit racist.' (Epps and Glen actually thought it was funny.)(Sam, Miles, Leo, and I had fun singing that.)(In front of everybody.)  
*'If you were gay.' (I enjoy singing that Leo.)  
*'I'm not wearing underwear today.' (That disturbs everyone!)

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Rule #382: I realize my name can make up quite a few nicknames...but go easy people!

*Tai-dye. (My favorite!)  
*Mai-Tai. (Those are delicious so that is fine.)  
*Tai Lung. (I am not a evil snow leopard.)(Although, he is badass.)  
*Neck Tai. (Not as clever as you think it is, Miles.)  
*Tai fighter. (Hahaha awesome!)

(As for the rest, just use your imagination.)

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Rule #383: Never refer to Ratchet and Wheeljack as Bunsen and Beaker.

(The constant 'meeping' done by The Lambo twins didn't help at all.)

(Sam and I were just about pissing ourselves with laughter.)

('Meep, meep, meep..')

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Rule #384: 'I am the very model of a modern Major General.'

(Lennox is awesome!)

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Rule #385: Never buy those fake plastic ball sacks from Spencers gifts then put them on any of the bots while they are in recharge.

(I put them on Ratchet.)

(He had no idea why all the humans were pointing and laughing.)

(He knew it was me.)

(Why am I always the first suspect?)

(Leo gave me a high five.)

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Rule #386: Never go Sleep-bagging down a flight of stairs and try to get any mech or femme involved.

(My ass is killing me..)

(It was so much fun though!)

(I landed right on Dad's foot.)

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Rule #387: Never yell out, 'STOP TOUCHING MY WENIS!!'

(Everyone within hearing radius couldn't stop staring at Miles.)

(Ratchet then said, 'No, no...it is not Wenis...it is pronounced penis...')

(Sam and I both face palmed.)

(Before we both started laughing hysterically.)

(Ratchet couldn't figure out why we were laughing so hard.)

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Rule #388: Never go around the base and say in a high voice, 'Body wash!' over and over and over.

(I nearly passed out laughing.)

(Sam and Leo had way to much doing that.)

(Hilarious to do to Red Alert without him seeing you.)

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Rule #389: Do not make up Dr. Seuss rhymes.

(Sam, Miles, Leo, and I fail miserably.)

(But Epps is amazing.)

('Come sleep with me, sleep with me twice..I think that would be very nice. Lookie, lookie at the size of my shoes. Whatever they say, yes it is true.')

(I dared him to say that to Chromia.)

(She is incredibly violent.)

(Ironhide thought it was funny.)

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Rule #390: You can't pretend to cry to get out of trouble. (Sam.)

(It may work on Bumblebee, but not on Dad.)

(I know when you are fake crying Sam.)

(I can read you like a freakin' magazine.)

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Rule #391: Never decide to do Two line Vocabulary randomly, just to drive the mechs insane.

(I had so much fun that day!)

(Barricade nearly threw another oil drum at me.)

(A full oil drum.)

(Dad was very unhappy.)

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Rule #392: When in a room full of quite mechs, never start humming then say, 'Shh! The voices are singing me a song!'

(Ratchet made me do another mentality test.)

(How many more times am I going to have to take those damn things?)

(I've passed them every time.)

(They just can't take a joke.)

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Rule #393: No committing crimes to get Barricade's attention.

(He put me in handcuffs and hung from the raptors.)

(When Dad asked where I was, 'Cade simply pointed up.)

(I waved.)

(Dad's optics widened.)

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Rule #394: No more Sonny with a chance.

(Sam, Leo, and Miles decided to do a reenactment of the 'So you think you can pee-pee dance?')

(Sam is #1 at holding number one.)

(I'm not sure to congratulate him or be grossed out with him.)

(Ratchet was disgusted.)

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Rule #395:Jazz, Mudflap, and Skids are not racist.

(Case closed.)

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Rule #396: Never start quoting Superbad, Knocked up, Funny People, Zack and Miri make a porno, or Pineapple Express.

(None of the Bots can really appreciate Seth Rogen's genius!!)

(Except Jazz.)

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Rule #397: When in Ratchet's medbay, never say the following:

*'Those stairs have something against me!' (me.)  
*'Not my fault the wall got in my way.' (Me, again.)  
*'Can I have a lollipop after this?'  
*'Just rip it off fast!' (Leo.)  
*'It smells like floor wax in here.'  
*'Does this look swollen?' (Miles.)(*shudders*)  
*'I WANT MORPHEAN!!!''

(He still resorts to violence.)

(He's a got a hell of a arm.)

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Rule #398: Never try to explain Nightmare before Christmas to any of the bots or femmes.

(Jazz liked the movie.)

(So did Bumblebee.)

(And most unfortunately, so did the twins.)

(Sunny and Sides that is.)

(They wouldn't stop singing, 'This is Halloween.')

(I love that movie, don't get me wrong.)

(But man, that was starting to get on my nerves.)

('This is Halloween, Halloween, Halloween.')

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Rule #399: Don't tell any of the femmes to say to the mechs, 'No uterus! No opinion!'

(They don't have a uterus.)

(But man, Mikaela and I laughed incredibly hard!)

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Rule #400: Never yell out, 'RAPE!' when one of the attempts or does touch you.

(Jazz hit Sunny very hard.)

(I felt bad.)

(Sort of.)

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Holy crap! 400 rules!!  
Thank you all so much!!

Keep'em coming!

Review!


	20. Chapter 20

More rules everyone!!

I am amazed I made it to 400!!  
I'm glad everyone is still liking this!

Enjoy everyone!

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The Guidelines to living with Giant Alien robots!

By Tatyana Witwicky

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Rule #401: Never use tampons to stop nosebleeds.

(Very bad idea.)

(Sure it works, but it's a bad idea!)

(It also gives the wrong impression.)

(Ratchet thought Sam had a tampon fetish.)

(Ya, nasty...)

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Rule #402: Whenever someone says something that could be misconstrued as a sexual innuendo, never say the following:

*'Hey, that's what she said!' (See rule #338.)  
*'Giggity.' (Sunny and Sides watch way to much Family Guy.)  
*'I'll get paid for that right?'  
*'Why must everything you say sound sexual?!'  
*'You want me to put that where?'

(Poor Wheeljack.)

(Hee hee hee!)

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Rule #403: Never quote anything from Azumanga Daioh.

(Hilarious!)

(One of my favorite animes ever!)

*'You know those tiny bubbles inside your eyes you sometimes catch? Yea, I'm tracking them as we speak. (Osaka-san is my god!)(Dad and 'Cade looked at me funny.)  
*'VIVA LA CLASS SHUFFLE!'  
*'There will be lots of cute cats and dogs in the Cafe... and they're all dead.'  
*'There's a red-nosed reindeer. That's mean. "Your shining nose is useful in the fog..." The way he said it doesn't help at all. If you tell a bald man his head is useful in the dark, you'd get punched in the face. Santa Claus says such cruel things.' (Sam's response was simply...'Uhh..yeah...'.)(Then he said, 'You watch way to much anime.')(Like it's a bad thing!)  
*'It's chinsuko! it's chinsuko!' (They don't know what that is.)(I do.)  
*'EDUCATION!' (I just randomly screamed that during a meeting.)(Jazz laughed.)

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Rule #404: Never say, 'When it doubt, whip it out!'

(My Dad asked me what that meant.)

(I simply buried my face in my knees.)

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Rule #405: Never ask any of the noobs the following questions:

*'Do you have Vaginal dryness?'  
*'How's that rash problem?'  
*'Who busted a grumpy?'  
*'Are you aware that the bird is the word?' (Lennox threw his pen at me.)  
*'Been decapitated recently?'

(They get sort of afraid.)

(Most of them won't come near me or Leo.)

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Rule #406: Never mention 'Pedo-bear.'

(Just don't.)

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Rule #407: Never make fun of Lennox's Ipad.

(He is incredibly proud of it.)

('The iPad, retains all your information with no leaks in the firewalls.')

(I responded with, 'Are you reading from a report?')

(Lennox's didn't respond.)

(Epps and Ironhide chuckled.)

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Rule #408: Water bras. Bad investment.

(Autobots, aka sharp, pointy, metal beings!)

(Mine sprung a leak and started spraying everywhere.)

(How I didn't notice was beyond my understanding.)

(Mikaela saw me and quickly stopped the spraying.)

(Unfortunately, it looked like she was copping a feel.)

(Jazz and Sam wouldn't stop staring.)

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Rule #409: Don't wash Jazz's alt mode in your bikini.

(The twins got jealous.)

(Dad was mad.)

(Ironhide...well, he was just Ironhide.)

(Jazz...he was a very happy mech.)

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Rule #410: The following nicknames are frowned upon:

*Bumblebutt.  
*Ironass  
*Hatchet  
*Prowlie/Prowler  
*Opti-pimp/Oppy

(And so many others.)

(I will think of them as soon as I finish my mocha latte.)

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Rule #411: Never quote the Oblongs.

(Sam, Leo, and Miles need a babysitter, I swear!)

*'Hey, Tai, I found a spear gun! Can we go to Sea World?' (Sam.)(No Sam, we can't go to Seaworld.)  
*'This stool softener, do I take it internally or apply it directly to the stool?'  
*'Sir, I'm just a little boy in drag selling cookies.'  
*'Well wrap me in bacon and call me rumaki' (Dad had no idea what I meant.)(I don't think he wanted to.)  
*'You may control my mind, but you'll never control my ass!' (Miles yelled that to Ratchet.)(He hasn't been seen for a couple of days.)  
*'Burying beer. Aw, crud. That means I drank gopher poison.' (Bumblebee swept Sam to the Med bay.)(I could hear him screaming, 'IT WAS A JOKE!!!!!')

(Oh man, it was a fun day at NEST.)

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Rule #412: Never let Sparrow attempt Penguin aerobics.

(It was about the cutest thing ever!)

(She fell over when she tried to stretch her arms over her head.)

(Like I said, she screams very loud.)

(She looks damn cute in a penguin suit.)

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Rule #413: Dane Cook is now banned indefinitely from the base.

*'Has anyone seen my shoes? I kicked them off in a fit of joy.'  
*'Ah, what am I suppose to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens!' (Sam loves that one.)  
*'I want venom.' ('Cade just stared at me.)  
*'I would love to have acidy spit.'('Cade backed away slowly.)  
*'I went to the dmv, or as I like to call it, Satan's asshole.' (I lost it when Sam said that.)(Dad was concerned when he saw my red face.)  
*'When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion.' (Leo.)  
*'Here's how you know, that you're really drunk ... I figured it out ... when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.'  
*'I don't like it when you open your mouth and it's like a battle of epic proportions going on.'  
*'Slip 'N Slide, yeah ... it would have been fun if Dad checked for rocks before he put it down ... Slip 'N Bleed From the Anus they should have called this ride.' (Oh Sam.)(You and your bleeding anus.)  
*'He was hit by a Dodge...which I found funny and ironic.'  
*'I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat....unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.'

(Prowl is still twitching.)

(Quite violently.)

(Sunny and Sides love Dane Cook.)

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Rule #414: Someone please explain to Wheeljack that glow-in-the-dark tampons will never catch on!

(Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory is crazy, okay!)

(I could feel my brain cells burning away when he handed me a box of them.)

(I just gave him a blank stare.)

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Rule #415: Never try to prove that Dad has a face fetish and Megatron has a flesh fetish.

(Jazz was helping me with the flesh one, then I tried to be all dramatic and tried to turn it on my Dad.)

(He gets really pissed when I do that.)

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Rule #416: Blow horns are prohibited.

(Especially when waking up a bot from recharge.)

(Believe me, I have been greeted with blazing cannons way too much.)

(Waaaaayyyy to much...)

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Rule #417: Don't rename birthdays, 'You were expelled from a uterus today!' day!

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Rule #418: No squeezing Gushers into various peoples or bots eyes.

(Leo, 'IT BURNS!!')

(*snickers*)

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Yay!!

So many rules of pure epic awesomeness!!

Keep'em coming people!!

Let's see if I can get to 500 rules!!

Review!


	21. Chapter 21

More rules!!!  
Still going strong!! XD

Like I said, any more ideas would be apprieciated!

Enjoy everyone!!

Onward!

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The Guidelines for living with Giant Alien Robots!

by Tatyana Witwicky.

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Rule #419: Never tell the Bots about Japanese Vending machines.

(Although some of them are actually amazing, some of them are way over the top.)

(Like used underwear.)

(That's right...USED underwear.)

(Ratchet was moritfied.)

(Who could blame him?)

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Rule #420: When at a gathering and someone offers you a soda, never scream out, 'DEW ME!'

(Jazz's glare scared a few of the soldiers into hiding.)

(It was a joke!)

(I didn't even get my soda...)

(Damn it!)

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Rule #421: Yet another list of movies Prowl has decided should be monitored then asked for permission to watch:

1. Fantasia. (It made Jazz think he could 'see music' for about three weeks.)  
2. Up. (There is no way balloons could lift a house up.)(Or so I thought.)(Little did I know, Wheeljack was feeling very 'sciectificy' that day..)(Sam andI woke up floating about 500 feet up in the air.)(In the house.)(I don't usually mind heights but...let's just say I freaked.)(Sam and I called the base in a panic.)(It took the NEST members a while to get us down.)(Aunt Jude then called screaming, 'WHERE THE HELL IS THE HOUSE?!')(Fun times.)  
3. Young Frankenstein. (Skids wouldn't stop singing, 'Puttin' on the Ritz!')(And Jazz kept staring at my 'good times' and kept saying, 'Nice knockers.')(I simply threw my coke at him.)  
4. Bedtime stories. (Ironhide didn't want Lennox reading to Annabelle anymore after that.)(That didn't last long.)(It also didn't end well.)  
5. Where the Wild things are. (No Ratchet, the kid does not have schizophrenia.)(And there is no island with monsters on it Wheeljack.)

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Rule #422: Never quote Mythbusters.

(Best show in the universe!)

(Adam reminds me of Wheeljack for many reasons.)

(And Jamie reminds me of Ratchet.)

(When I mentioned that to Sam, we both started cracking up.)

*'Who the hell could be calling me? I can't answer that, I'm tying a pig stomach into a skeleton.'  
*'We made something blow up!!' (Dad thinks I spend too much time with Wheeljack.)  
*'I'm not gonna respond to that.' (Sam says that to me all the time.)  
*'Ah...how hard can it be to blow up a room full of gasoline?!' (It is so much fun saying when there is a large group of Bots nearby.)  
*'Any day we create that much shrapnel is a good day.'  
*'I always enjoy seeing Leo in pain.'  
*'That can't be that necessary, I don't recognize it!' (Never say that when helping Ratchet or Wheeljack repair other Autobots or Barricade.)(Bad things happen.)(But Mikaela and I sure had fun.)  
*'Not only do we get to short out a battery, but we get to do it in a gasoline-rich environment! I can't think of a better way to spend a Monday afternoon.' (Wheeljack is my second or third BFF, I can't remember, they are way too many.)

This was a great conversation between me and Sam, in front of everyone.

Sam: 'I just did the math. I need him to weigh 25 pounds.'

Me: 'So you're saying that he needs to be built out of _depleted uranium_?'

Sam: (laughing quite hysterically): Do you have some? Is it under 'D' or 'U' over here?'

(Hahaha fun times!)('Cade, Dad, and Bee were slightly concerned.)(And I think amazed that we even knew was depleted uranium was.)  
*'Let's get on our knees and pray. I don't know to whom. Is there a patron saint of ballistics gel?'  
*'STOP SPARKING MY ASS!' (Sam made the mistake of touching a giant staticy ball and Mikeala, Maggie, and myself couldn't help ourselves.)(Sunny gave Sam the oddest look.)(As did everyone else in the room.)  
*'Time to take stock. Model house—check. Potentially explosive bug bomb—check. Various open flames and electrical sparks—check. What could possibly go wrong?' (Oh so many things.)  
*'Ow! Ow, hot, burning, salsa napalm!'  
*'This is the point of in the day, which we come to many times, when we start to go, "What else do we have that's flammable in the truck?" (You would be amazed at the amount.)  
*'The best-case scenario is that the glass shatters in my face! How do you think that makes me feel?'  
*'I love aluminum... aluminum, I love you.'  
*'Once again, I'm going to humiliate myself in front of a very large audience.' (Poor Mikaela.)  
*'Somebody ordered some exploding pants?' (Wheeljack raised his hand.)  
*'Now remember that the safety word is "Run!" (That is for the shooting range.)  
*'I guess I could break into a building too by beating on the ducting with a sledgehammer.' (I love my sledgehammer.)(Don't ask why I have one.)  
*'High explosives and electricity. Woooo!' (My motto.)  
*'If I had any dignity, that would have been humiliating.' (Leo's motto.)  
*'My Prediction: Pain. And lots of it.' (Miles's motto.)  
*'I just had one of those "what the hell are we doing" moments.' (Sam's motto.)

(Oh the fun we had...)  
(Heeheehee)

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Rule #423: Never create a new phone number just to annoy Galloway.

(Lennox and Epps joined in on that one.)

(Even Keller did.)

(Never thought I'd stop laughing.)

(He kept demanding to know who the hell 'Tom' was.)

(He never did find out.)

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Rule #424: Never even attempt to fill in 'Tai's landmark.'

(That's my landmark!)

(My landmark!)

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Rule #425: Never say the following to Prowl or Ironhide when they ask you why you did something stupid:

*'Just to piss you off, bub!'  
*'I do this kind of stuff on a regular basis, you should know that by now.' (me.)  
*'The voices told me it was a good idea.'  
*'Let's face it, this isn't the worst thing you've caught me doing.'  
*'Primus said it would be okay.'

(I got grounded for a while.)

(Prowl is such a tattletale.)

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Rule #426: Do not ask my Dad about his face fetish.

(He doesn't have one.)

(At least, I don't think he does..)

(Does he?)

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Rule #427: Three words: No Jerry Springer.

(That would most likely scar them for the rest of their vorns.)

('Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!')

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Sorry for the shortness of this chapter, but I think it is really good!  
Enjoy!!

Review!


	22. Chapter 22

Once again, more rules!

I don't think I will ever stop! Not that any of you are complaining! X3  
Soo enjoy everyone!!

Onward!

-------

The Guidelines for living with Giant Alien Robots.

by Tatyana Witwicky.

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Rule #428: Once again, and Prowl is really starting to get annoyed with this one, do NOT quote Whose line.

*'I smell a spinoff...'  
*'It's Satan and the Schoolgirl!'  
*'You know you're good when you're wearing "Eau Du Pork!" (I have a feeling that perfume won't catch on.)  
*'Oh, is Kick-My-Ass Hungry?'  
*'So then my colon is lying on my chest. I wake up in the middle of the surgery, I accidentally swallow half of it! How did that happen, I'm wondering. Well then all of a sudden, that's when the laxative hits! So I'm LYING there, wondering how the heck am I gonna get out of this?...' (Sam and I had to pull Leo away and let the Bots have some quiet time.)  
*'I feel ten pounds lighter and just a little dirty.' (After attempting 'Flirty girl exercise videos'.)  
*'Man, what a rough night I had. My inflatable girlfriend ran off with my air mattress.' (Miles)  
*'As usual, if you or any of your team are caught or killed we will disavow any knowledge and laugh atcha'ass.' (Oh Epps.)(You and your sense of humor and hatred for new people.)  
*'Excuse me, I'm tapped into your cable. Would you mind changing it to channel 8?'  
*'You are so effervescent, Your light bulb is fluorescent, And I am out of rhymes!'  
*'But when you cut off a guys dead, roll up his body in a rug, and burn it... you better make sure he's dead!'  
*'He had the kind of face only a mother could love. If that mother was blind in one eye and had that sort of milky film over the other one. You know? You know what I mean? But still, he was my identical twin.' (Sam glared at me.)(Bumblebee laughed.)  
*'Why, I'd pay up to $50,000... but I'm an idiot!'

(Prowl is still twitching and spazzing out completely.)

(But goddamn, it was funny!)

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Rule #429: Never suggest any of the following sentences to be NEST's new battle cry:

*'Hurt you!' (Leo then did a very girly point.)(Skids and Mudflap laughed hysterically.)  
*'Don't shoot until you see the whites!'  
*'Give me liberty or a bran muffin!'  
*Get me my brown pants!!'  
*'I'll distract them with a sexy fan dance, while you shoot them!'

(Luckily, Dad has finally developed a sense of humor.)

(The bran muffin one really made him laugh for some reason.)

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Rule #430: Never challenge Ratchet to a game of Guitar Hero. Unless you want to lose very badly.

(Apparently the Hatchet really knows his way around an axe.)

(Well, a video game axe about 20 times the size of the normal control.)

(He beat the game on Extreme.)

(Blindfolded.)

(Sam, Miles, and myself followed him around the base for the rest of the day, chanting, 'We are not worthy!')

(I think he secretly liked it.)

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Rule #431: No more Doctor Slump manga.

(It gives Wheeljack, Leo, Sam, Miles, and both sets of twins way to many ideas.)

(And most of them are bad ones.)

(But goddamn, it is funny as hell.)

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Rule #432: To go along with the movie, 'Up', do not let Wheeljack make your dog a collar.

(Psyche, Mojo, and Frankie all started talking.)

(Psyche sounds badass.)

(Mojo and Frankie, however, do not.)

('Pain pills! Pain pills! Please, me want more painpills!')(Mojo is such a crack head.)

(Frankie just panted and every once in a while say, 'Treat.')

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Rule #433: Never leave any cookies in your pocket.

(It's just messy and a waste of very good cookies.)

(I then remembered my phone was also in my pocket.)

(When I pulled it out to respond to a text sent by Jazz, there were crumbs embedded in my case.)

('Ohhh! Phone Cookies!')

(Everyone wondered what I meant.)

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Rule #434: Do not stage a mini war with cleaning products.

(Windex is now banned.)

(I got squirted in the optic and it shorted out.)

(Dad was very angry with Leo and Miles.)

(I was fine, just couldn't see out of it.)

(It also doesn't taste very good.)

(Not to mention it is slightly toxic.)

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Rule #435: I am no longer allowed to 'borrow' anyone's credit card.

(I snitched Epps's card when he wasn't looking.)

(I then went to the mall with Mikaela.)

(You don't wanna know how much I spent.)

(I had no idea he would freak out so much.)

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Rule #436: To go along with the Jerry Springer rule, do not yell out. 'I want my Jerry Beads!'

(No one really gets it.)

(Sure is fun to say very loudly though.)

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Rule #437: Never bug any of the soldiers or Autobot's when they are trying to watch their shows.

(Turns out Ironhide is really into 'General Hospital.')

(I was amazed.)

(And slightly frightened.)

-------

Rule #438: No more Futurama!!

(Jolt said, 'Bite my shiny metal ass!' to Barricade when they started arguing...again.)

(Barricade started singing Bender's parody of 'She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes.' to me, just to annoy me.)

(While chasing me, on foot.)

('Oh, I'll shoot her with my ray gun when she comes, yes I'll shoot her with my ray gun when she comes...')

('I'll be blasting all the humans in the world, I'll be blasting all the humans in the world..')

(It's hard to get mad at him when I end up laughing my ass off.)

(Dad, however, was not happy when he heard 'Cade singing that.)

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Rule #439: Do not use alot of toilet paper, Leo!

(It was gone, which made the men's room out of order for a couple of days.)

(The men had to use the ladies room.)

(Awkward.)

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Rule #440: Do not let any of the mechs mess with the American Idol results.

(Sunny and Sides were fans of Kris Allen...)

(ADAM!!! :cries:)

(They got a major ass whoopin'!!)

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Rule #441: Do not let any of the bots watch Alice in Wonderland.

(Both old version and new version.)

(Ratchet and Red Alert became even more paranoid about the food, thinking it will make us shrink or grow.)

(The twins, both sets, wanted to fight the Jabberwocky and get a Bandersnatch as a pet.)

(Dad face palmed multiple times that day.)

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Rule #442: No more Aladdin.

(Wheeljack tried to make his own magic.)

(He failed.)

(Miserably.)

(Leo wouldn't stop singing, 'Never had a friend like me.')

(Yes Leo, you are one of a kind, no need to emphasize it!)

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Rule #443: No playing the song, 'Boom boom pow', around Ironhide.

(Cybertron is in the song.)

(That's what I heard anyway.)

('He's a beast when you him on, into the future Cybertron.')

(Chromia and I actually got a bit of a giggle at that.)

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Rule #444: Never mention Lennox's fear of mascots to anybody.

(Oh man, Sam and I had a blast that day.)

(Lennox was talking to Ironhide, Ratchet, Dad, and Ultra Magnus.)

(Four very important mechs, mind you.)

(Sam and I decided to get him back for waking us up with that blow horn.)

(Sam put on a panda suit, and managed to sneak up behind, unnoticed.)

(Just as Lennox was about to mention that nothing would make him jump in any way possible, Sam pounced.)

(Lennox screamed, and hid behind Ironhide.)

(Everyone, including the mentioned mechs above, lost it completely.)

(Even Lennox thought it was good.)

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Rule #445: Do not tickle me!

(It's very annyoing!)

(I have no idea how everyone found out I was incredibly ticklish.)

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Rule #446: This one is for Robert Epps. Never decide to try to reveal any of Lennox's embarrassing High school stories to any of the Bots.

(Because odds are, he knows something about you.)

(Like the fact that you have a tickly butt.)

(Lennox snuck up behind Epps when he was in the middle of telling everyone he was given an atomic wedgie almost every day in school.)

(Then he pounced.)

(Epps let a very girlish squeal, giggled uncontrollably, and literally crawled away to hide behind Sideswipe.)

(Godddamn, never laughed so hard in my life!)

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Hahahaha I love my Guidelines!! XD

Over three hundred and twenty five reviews and almost 16,000 views! XD

Keep'em coming people!


	23. Chapter 23

More, more, more!!!

Is everyone still having fun? I sure am!  
I have a big favor for everyone!

Can you all give me suggestions for Sparkling names?

And also, I am using a character named Dex in this chapter!  
He belongs to my good friend, District X.

Awesome character!

That is all I will say!! X3

And yes, I know I already did a family guy one...but I wanted to make it better!

Onward!

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The Guidelines for living with Giant Alien Robots!

By Tatyana Witwicky.

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Rule #447: Again, Never start quoting Family guy.

(Awesome show!)

(Favorite show on base.)

*'JEW!!!'  
*'You and five of those prostitutes get out!!'  
*'So what's going on? You ever get freaky with that thing?' (That is so much fun to say to Wheeljack and Ratchet.)  
*'Hahahaha! Nipples!' (I have never seen Mikaela laugh so hard.)  
*'Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass.'  
*'If I'm a child, that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here and take this from a pervert.' (Galloway was very embarrassed.)  
*'Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.'  
*'Damn you, ice cream, come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me!'  
*'When I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.'  
*'Hey man, your clock won't flush.' (That is awesome to say when they are a ton of people and bots in the room.)  
*'Here, it's a candy cane. But don't stick it up your nose, it burns like hell.' (Words to live by, Miles.)  
*'No, no, no. It's "step, pivot, step, pause". Are you TRYING to piss off the volcano god?' (Yes Sam, that is exactly what I am trying to do.)  
*'Why thank you, tinkle fairy.'  
*'Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank.' (Lennox really doesn't want me or Sam near the tanks.)(I wonder why?)  
*'Road house!'

(I am, again, amazed that we are still allowed to watch this.)

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Rule #448: Never try to outsmart Jazz when it comes to music.

(Especially about songs named after women.)

(Sunny decided to pull a Stewie and ask him to name twenty of them.)

(He did.)

(And thirty more to follow.)

(It was impressive and slightly frightening.)

(After he was done, and Sunny stormed off, I said to him, 'You've been watching Family guy again, haven't you?')

(He didn't comment back.)

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Rule #449: Never mess with Dex's I-pod in anyway.

(Like deleting all of the music, movies, or pictures.)

(Odds are, he will start crying and/or screaming.)

(Very loudly.)

(Barricade was only joking.)

(Goddamn, my receptor is still ringing.)

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Rule #450: To go with the previous Alice in Wonderland rule, just because the creatures do not exist in reality, do not attempt to make them.

(The twins, both Lambo and Chevy, still want to fight the Jabborwocky.)

(And they still want a bandersnatch as a pet.)

(They are still trying to figure out how to make their own.)

(Which resulted in Wheeljack's lab blowing up.)

(Those poor non-existent creatures.)

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Rule #451: Do NOT mess with Lennox's I-phone.

(Like downloading the fart app.)

(The one where it farts very loudly every ten minutes.)

(Very loudly.)

(It happened during a very important meeting with General Morshower and Defense secretary Keller.)

(And the President.)

(Then it went off, just as I had planned.)

(God-fricking-damn, that was so funny!)

(He then said the following, ''Cuse me General, I have to go maim a few teenagers.')

(XDD!!)

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Rule #452: Bumblebee is not allowed near holographic length of Seymour Simmons, ever.

(Especially after the green cloud incident.)

(Simmon's couldn't understand why everyone was laughing until Epps yelled out, 'Watch out! Klingons around Uranus!')

(His little dance was hilarious.)

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Rule #453: Do not quote Spongebob.

*'ANCHOVIES!!' (I hate anchovies!)(Sam and I order separate pizzas now.)  
*'There's its maniac shriek! He's going to attack!'  
*'Agh! The belt is gone, but I still feel its tickle! The urge to do bad is gone!'  
*'The sky had a baby from my cereal box!'  
*' Where's the leak, ma'am?' (Sunny.)(He's been hit a few too many times in the head with a wrench.)  
*'We're not ghosts! The nerve of that guy and his driving eyeballs!'  
*'AAAAAAHHHHHH! IT'S THE APOCALYPSE! OFFICE PRODUCTS FALLING FROM THE SKY!!' (Red Alert is so paranoid.)(I just dropped my pencil down his gears.)  
*'Excuse me! I can't reach my silverware!'  
*'This one's really bad! It made my eyeballs throw up!'  
*'Like my mom always said: 'If you can't think of anything to say something nice about someone, don't blow your nose into your hand.' (Sam and I face palmed after Miles said that.)  
*'I've never felt such a strange combination of pity and indigestion.' (Watching the Chevy twins will do that.)

(I enjoy this show very much.)

(It makes me giggle so incredibly much!)

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Rule #454: Autobots with incredibly loud horns and/or sirens should never use them unexpectently around humans.

(Ratchet is in no way going to start stocking depends on base.)

(Despite numerous requests by staff.)

(I am so used to it, it no longer effects me in anyway.)

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Rule #455: Don't ever say a C-section is like a magic show. (Miles.)

('Dun-duh dun baby!!')

(Everyone who possessed a uterus glared at him.)

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Rule #456: Bumper stickers are a still a big no-no, unless the bot in question understands it and agrees to wear it.

(Sunny was not fond of his, 'Well, aren't you just a big freakin' ray of sunshine!?')(I put that on him while he was recharging.)(It was hilarious to see it on his aft.)

(But Jazz loved his, 'Drive it like you stole it!')

(Ironhide loved Chromia's a little too much. 'Save a horse, ride a cowboy!')

(Sam and I glanced at each other, made faces, and started spazzing out.)

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Rule #457: Never start quoting South Park.

*'No, Jay Leno's chin is big-boned. You are a big fat ass.'  
*'I don't want to do it if it hurts or if it makes you get all sticky.' (You really do not want to know what Leo was talking about.)  
*'All animals kill, and the animals that don't kill are stupid ones like cows and turtles and stuff.'  
*'Well God, I guess you got me again, didn't you? Yeah, that was a good one, God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard.'  
*'It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation, this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.' (Leo, Miles, Sam, and I started cracking up completely.)  
*'Michael Bay gets to keep making movies and Cartman gets his own theme park; there is no God.' (For some reason, that one really made me laugh.)(I'm not sure why.)  
*'Why don't we all sing, "Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch" in D-minor?'  
*'Naw dude, independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.'  
*'If irony was made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.' (Galloway shocked us all with his little joke.)  
*'Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Yummy!'  
*'Oh my god! You killed Kenny!'

(Now that show is banned from the base.)

(Which sucks, considering it is one of my favorites.)

(Oh well.)

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Rule #458: Items which are banned from the base:

*Rubber bands. (I shot one and it lodged itself into Ultra Magnus's optic.)(My bad.)  
*Pie pans.  
*Super glue.  
*Wind chimes. (The Lambo twins put those all over the base.)(Nearly drove Red Alert to stasis.)  
*Crash test dummies. (Just trust me on this one.)

(More items to come.)

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Rule #459: When Sam or myself are listening to the Used, always remember to wait until the song is over if you want to ask us anything. Because until then, we will not respond to your question.

(Especially to the song, 'I caught fire.')

(Best song of theirs.)

(Our dancing to that song consists of just jumping and headbanging and air guitar.)

(Dad told us he finds it amusing when we do that.)

(At least someone does.)

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Rule #460: Never misjudge Skids or Mudflap's dancing skills. Especially to Michael Jackson.

(Skids shocked the hell out of me when he moon walked.)

(I joined in when Thriller came on.)

(So did Leo.)

(And Jazz.)

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Rule #461: Do not start quoting the Producers.

*'Wait a minute, my name's not 'Alvin'... Someone *else's* life is flashing before my eyes. *What the hell is that about?* I'm not a hillybilly... I grew up in the Bronx. Leo's taken everything... even my past.'  
*'Stand still! How can I shoot you if you keep moving!' (Ironhide, you need anger management.)  
*'THAT'S OUR HITLER!'  
*'Today I have taken the Siegfried oath, and danced the conga with a cop, and a sailor, and extremely friendly Cherokee Indian.' (Bumblebee gave Sam a O.o look.)  
*'I'm very sorry I caught you feeling up the old lady.' (That was awkward.)  
*'Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?' (I enjoy yelling that randomly.)(Dad has given me a strict talking too.)  
*'You mean that smell is you? Oh GOD. If I could bottle you, I'd shove you under my armpits every day.'  
*'Shut up! He thinks he's witty!' (When Miles attempts to act witty, just laugh out of pity.)(Haha I made a rhyme!)

(This movie has some amazing songs!)

(Not to mention, I love Nathan Lane!)

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Rule #462: Never try to scare any of the new arrivals by saying Zits are acid exploding factories.

(Miles chased Bluestreak around the base for an hour.)

('Gonna get'cha sucka!')

(Blue shrieks of 'Get away from me!' were very high pitched.)

(Arcee and I gave each other a blank stare.)

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Rule #463: Once again, please do not quote The Simpsons.

(Yes Leo, that includes the movie.)

*'Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension!'  
*'For the first time in my life, people weren't laughing at me, they were laughing towards me!'  
*'Cool! He can teach us how to kill a man with a lunch tray!'  
*'Are there any jive talking robots in the play?' (Jazz liked that one.)(I enjoy his jive talking ways.)  
*'I'm not pouting! I'm mourning!'  
*'I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.'  
*'Remember, in England, an elevator is called a lift, a mile is called a kilometer, and a botulism is called steak and kidney pie.' (Those are delicious by the way.)  
*'You go through life, you try to resist the urge to punch people in the face, and for what? For some pimply little puke to treat you like dirt! Well, I'm better than dirt! Well... most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I... I can't compete with that stuff.'  
*'This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.' (Ratchet, unfortunately, didn't count that.)(Damn...)  
*'Oooh, so Mother nature needs a favor?! Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing. Well I say, hard cheese.'  
*'I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun.'  
*'They taste like burning.' (My first experience with 'Energon cookies.')(They taste really good now.)  
*'I brought you a tuna sandwich. They say it's brain food. I guess because there's so much dolphin in it, and you know how smart they are.' (I could not believe when Miles said that too Annabelle.)(Which sent her screaming out of the room.)  
*'Aww man, this sucks and blows!'  
*'Oh, that's nothing. He can hear pudding.' (I wish I were joking.)(Ratchet can smell pudding from faraway.)  
*'I don't get mad, I get stabby.' (Sideswipe.)  
*'Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it's frosting!'  
*'I've learned that even made-up corporate mascots can lie to you.' (That is a true statement.)(Lousy mascots.)  
*'Lousy rotten Karmic retributions.' (Sunny has been saying alot lately.)(Nearly drove Prowl to the point of fritzing.)  
*'Expand my brain, learning juice!'  
*'"I told you so" has a brother. His name is, "Shut the hell up"!' (Ratchet.)(Sam and I laughed incredibly hard at Wheeljack's expense.)  
*'And I say a monkey _can_ mow our lawn!!' (Miles got a few odd looks.)  
*'Well, _excuse me_ for having enormous flaws that I don't work on!'  
*'I never dreamed an American car designed in Germany, assembled in Mexico from parts made in Canada, could be so amazing.' (Jolt gave me an very unamused glare.)  
*'I can't be a vegetarian, I love the taste of death!' (Me.)  
*'Have you ever tried going mad without power? It's boring, no one listens to you!' (Yes Galloway, we know that.)  
*'I'll teach you to laugh at something that's funny!'  
*'If you love fish like I do, you want them to die with dignity.'  
*'This the worst day of my life.' (Sam.) 'Worst day of your life 'so far.' (Miles.)

(Again, I am utterly amazed we are still allowed to watch this.)

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Whew!! Done and done!!

Thank you everyone for the suggestions!!

Review!


	24. Chapter 24

More rules!

It took me a while to think of some funny ones but hopefully these will be good!  
Thank you to everyone who helped me with rule suggestions!

Onward!

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The Guidelines for living with Giant Robots!

by Tatyana Witwicky

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Rule #464: Three words: Magnets are bad.

(This is a very obvious one when living with giant METAL robots!)

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Rule #465: Never start quoting Shrek!!

(Amazing movie...or movies!)

(And amazing quotes!)

(To anybody whose isn't Prowl..)

*'I just know, before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.'  
*' I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt, too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going.'  
*'Yeah, right before they burst into flame!'  
*'Not my gum-drop buttons!!' (Ratchet threw mine away..I was very sad!)  
*'Oh, Shrek. Don't worry. Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.'  
*' It looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick!'  
*'Mudflap, you HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.' (That shut him up.)  
*'I hate these ball shows. They bore me to tears! Flip over to Wheel of Torture.'  
*'Help! I'm being kidnapped by a monster who's trying to relate to me!'

(Dad even likes Shrek.)

(I found him singing Livin' La vida Loca to himself.)

(He denies it.)

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Rule #466: Never bring a metal detector to NEST and call it a 'dumbass' finder.

(Oh man, did I have fun that day!)

(it did nothing for a while...not even when I went over to Mudflap and Skids.)

(Then it went off.)

(When I was near Sam.)

(I lost it!)

(He, however, gave me a look of death and hatred.)

(Then threw something at me.)

(Beep-beep-beepbeepbeepbeep!!!)

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Rule #467: Never disable Prowl's internal radar.

(The Lambo twins were going insanely fast.)

(And all Prowl got was 45 mph.)

(Sam and I gave each other a fist bump.)

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Rule #468: Never say the following human swear phrases when you get angry:

*Aww Tits!!'  
*Balls!'  
*'Weak Titty!' ( I say that one quite often.)  
*'Aw, fuck me!'  
*'Man tits!'  
*'Fuck piss!!'  
*Pretty much any sentence with the words Tits or fuck.

('Weak Titty' has become a popular one around NEST.)

(Even heard Ironhide yell it.)

('Slaggin' weak titty!!')

('Cade and I gave each other the O.o look.)

(Before we burst into laughter.)

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Rule #469: Keep Wheeljack away from Liquid Nitrogen.

(He was freezing everything!)

(Including the following items.)

*Leo's laptop  
*My pink converse  
*Sam's cell phone.  
*Miles stereo  
*Lennox's Ipad..(His scream of 'NOOOOOO!!' alarmed everyone.)  
*Simmon's tazer  
*And various other things.

(I threw my frozen solid shoe at his head.)

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Rule #470: The beer song is banned.

(Lennox and Epps were pissed ass drunk and started singing it very loudly.)

(Sam, Leo, Miles, Mikaela, and I were laughing hysterically.)

('What is the molten liquor, what get's you drunker quicker...what comes in bottles or in cans!?')

(That was a fun night.)

-------

Rule #471: 'Remember, don't try any of the techniques you see Sam and I attempting..these are techniques for impatient hyper people..'

(Wheeljack and Ratchet agreed.)

(As did Barricade and Bumblebee.)

(And Dad.)

(And just about everybody else on base.)

(Still trying to clear the smoke out of the Rec. Room.)

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Rule #472: Never decide to give everyone in NEST adult diapers to wear over their pants, just to confuse the Autobots.

(I love what Lennox said.)

('You know, being a Major now, I don't have time to go to the bathroom in just any old toilet. That's why I wear adult diapers! So I can go, whenever I want.')

(The look on Ironhide's and Dad's face was so damn funny!)

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Rule #473: Don't let Sam dance or 'Rap' too much.

(His excuse is this.)

('I'm a white boy and it's funny!')

(That is very true!)

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Rule #474: Ringtones should be chosen carefully.

(Leo and Sam finally got me back for that prank I pulled on them last week.)

(While I was sleeping, Leo got a hold of my phone and downloaded a ringtone onto it.)

(I was talking to Dad and Ironhide when it went off.)

('Choke me, spank me, pull my hair..')

(Everyone within hearing range were staring at me.)

(And laughing.)

(When I answered, all I heard was..'Gotcha Tai..')

(I responded, 'SAM!! I'M GONNA FLIPPING KILL YOU!!!!')

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Rule #475: Also when messing with Prowl's radar, never try to fiddle with his database so he won't be such a tight aft.

(It worked really well.)

(But he sang, 'I feel pretty' non-stop for six hours.)

(Sunny and Sides gave Leo and Maggie major props.)

(I just laughed.)

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Rule #476: No Vagazzaling..

(That's right...)

(You heard me!)

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Rule #477: No making Autobot sized Animal balloons for the little ones.

(I walked in one day to see a full size balloon blue whale, sitting in the middle of the Rec. Room.)

(Annabelle and Sparrow squealed excitedly and started climbing all over it in excitement.)

(When Wheeljack walked in, looking very smug...I simply pointed at it with a look of confused amazement on my face.)

(It's still at base, but in the back as the play area.)

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Rule #478: Never start quoting The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack.

(That is Sam and I's favorite cartoon!)

*'I wasn't peeping! I was just holding the harbor up...with my face.'  
*'Overall enthusiasm, overall enthusiasm, overall enthusiasm, Yee-haw! (That is so much fun to sing.)  
*'Sometimes I think the stars are the eyes of some great beast that looks down at us, and thinks that we're beautiful, just as we look into her eyes and think that they are beautiful. ...Heh, I've never said that before; I just feel so _liberated_ around you! If I told that to anybody else, they'd think I was nuts." (I overheard Ironhide saying that Chromia.)(I 'awwed' very loudly.)  
*'Did somebody say _boat_? Toot toot!' (Always make sure to say that whenever Boat just happens to pop up in your conversation.)  
*'You should've seen how big he made my nose!'  
*'DON'T YOU POKE ME WITH THAT SHOVEL, YOU RASCAL!"  
*'Pants are for sissies!!' (Sam walked out into the wreck room, not wearing any.)(No one wants to look at that!)('cept for you Fantasy, yes, I know you!)(XDD!)  
*'If I told you once, I told you a million times: please save my life.'  
*'I demand satisfaction!" (That can be interpreted in so many different ways.)  
*'I'm making ambient ocean noises to help you sleep. (That didn't seem to work on Ironhide very well.)(And it just made me have to pee.)

(I love that show!)

(I die laughing every time I watch it!)

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Rule #479: Do NOT play the song 'Cops and Robbers' by the Hoosiers whenever Barricade walks in.

(He does not find it funny.)

(Poor Leo.)

(When will you learn?)

(He only laughs when I do weird things.)

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Rule #480: The song, 'All that Jazz' from Chicago should never be played around Jazz.

(There is a lyric that should never, ever be sung around him.)

('All that...JAAAZZZZZ...')

(He responded with, 'Ohh, hey, that sounded familair..')

(I ended up burying my face in 'Cade's shin.)

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Rule #481: Remember 'Bots, chicken impressions are popular amongst humans.

(So don't be too alarmed when you see us making weird head movments.)

(Along with odd arm movements.)

(Buck-kaw!! Buck buck!!)

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Rule #482: The Game 'Boost up' is incredibly banned.

(It's when you go up behind someone, grab their ass, and yell, 'Boost up!')

(Double points if there's groping.)

(No one had the balls to try it on my Dad.)

('No Sunny, do you want death?')

(Then Jazz snuck up behind Dad when he dropped something.)

('Boost up, Prime!')

(Dad's face was so hilarious!)

(I've never seen Jazz run so fast.)

(I would too if a truck was chasing me..)

(He yelled in Sam and I's direction, 'Tai, write on my tombstone that I regret nothing..!!')

(*sweatdrop*)

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Rule #483: Never write 'WIDE LOAD' on a bot's aft with a sharpie.

(But if you do..)

(Make sure it's on Ironhide.)

(And try not to get caught..)

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Rule #484: Never start singing any of the songs from The Southpark Movie.

(Especially 'What would Brian Boitano do?'...which is the best song ever!)

(Leo, Sam, Miles, and myself had fun singing, 'It's easy, mmkay..')

(It got even funnier when Sunny and Sides joined in.)

('We shouldn't say fuck, no we shouldn't say fuck! Fuck no!')

(Mmmkay..)

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Rule #485: Never start quoting Dexter's Lab.

(Man, I love that show!)

*'You are stupid! You are stupid! Oh, and don't forget, you are STUPID!'  
*'Thank you, dark forces, oh, THANK YOU!'  
*'Excellent! My sneaky ways have put me in the lead! I'd give myself a pat on the back, but I'm driving, so I'll have to do it later!' (That got a laugh out of Barricade.)  
*'Ratchet, Tai! I heard this great joke! Okay, here it goes: A physics professor and his assistant are working on liberating negatively-charged hydroxyl ions, when all of a sudden, the assistant says, "Wait, professor, what if the salicylic acids do not accept the hydroxyl ions?" And the professor responds, "That's no hydroxyl ion; that's my wife!" (I didn't get it...)

(So classic!)

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Wow!!

Almost five hundred!! Go me!!  
And most importantly, Go my faithful and awesome reviewers!!

Review!!


	25. Chapter 25

Soo close to rule 500! XD

Yaaayyyy! I can't believe how far this has gone!  
I'm sorry to say everyone, that my guidelines are coming to a close..  
Don't worry, not like that!

I'm not going to make any more rules...I'm going to be doing one-shots!

So don't be too sad!

I would like to thank everyone who has read and enjoyed it!

And thank you Hummergrey for liking this! X3

Onward!

xxx

Guidelines for living with giant Alien Robots!

By Tatyana Witwicky

xxx

Rule #486: Lucky Star is an anime that should be explained or quoted.

(Sparrow says, 'Kono-chan is mommy!')

(Hilarious!)

*'Someones having a blood conversation!'  
*'Super Mega special mecha awesome chocolate-dipped shining flaming glowing incredible serve!' (That is incredibly fun to shout out randomly!)  
*'WHAT THE HELL? THESE ARE ALL PORNOS!' (Never let Leo and Miles buy you Manga)  
*'Being flat-chested is a status, a precious rarity!' (I was defending my boobs from Mikaela's taunts.)(Not my fault I ended up with 'Misquito bites' and not 'melons'!)

x

'God, Tai!' Mikaela exclaimed suddenly, startling Tai to the point when she spilt hot coffee on her crotch. 'You are so flat!'  
Tai gave her friend a blank look before it turned into a look of odd smugness. 'Well, Mikky-you-so-fine, I have just the thing to say to you!' Standing up, which was a mistake because the coffee spill on her pants looked she had a little accident. Sunny and Sides laughter could be heard around the Rec. Room. 'In the words of the amazing, Konata-chan, 'Being flat-chested is a status!' She then leant forward until she was pretty much touching noses with Mikaela. 'A precious rarity! At least I don't risk head injury when I jump on a trampoline!'

Mikaela glared.

x

(Heeheehee, that got her!)

xxx

Rule #487: When Wheeljack says the following, leave the room very fast a.k.a. run like Unicron is on your ass:

*'That may have been a bad noise..'  
*'Oopsie daisy.' (That made me laugh until the entire back of me was exposed to everyone.)(I enjoyed the breeze.)  
*'Total crapola!'  
*'Big garbage bags! I need incredibly big garbage bags!' (Shockingly we had some..)(O.o.)  
*'Well...that wasn't supposed to happen..' (Lennox and Epps bolted out of the room.)(All I saw were two human shaped blurs.)  
*'Oh...so that's how it works...'  
*'Clean up on aisle 5...' (Too many explosions can make you say strange things..)  
*'Anyone with lungs may want to leave the room..'

(Oh Wheeljack...you and your explosive ways...)

xxxxx

Rule #488: Never quote Kevin James.

(Goddamn, that guys hilarious!)

*'Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants."  
*'Here, enjoy your skin flap, that's for you! The piece that looks if my ass caught fire and someone put it out with an old t-shirt is yours!' (Sam was laughing so incredibly hard.)  
*'Yeah I'll take the bean bag chair with raisins!' (Muffins these days are flippin' huge as hell!)  
*'Drop the pen, lady!'  
*'I'm not gonna be last in line because I'm having trouble spelling thirteen, okay!'  
*'I tied a sock around my eyes and I packed with my feet..'  
*'I either got to get in shape...or hope ponchos come back in style..' (Hahaha Glen!)  
*'I found out I scream like if a great white is gonna attack me...or if a piece of sea weed touches my foot...'  
*'LET GO OF THE DAMN DOOR! SIT YOUR ASS ON THE CURB AND I WILL COME AROUND AND LET YOU IN!' (Barricade is funny when he yells.)  
*'Yucky toes!'

(Kevin James is my idol!)

xxxx

Rule #489: Never go into intimate detail on the inner workings of females.

(Mikaela and I didn't feel like explaining it, so we got some pictures...)

(Oh my god, bad idea!)

('And that gentle men, is where babies come from!')

((Some were cradling themselves, some glitched, some clawed their sound receptors off...fun times.)

xxx

Rule #490: Don't torment Red Alert with bird calls.

(Sam, Leo, and I decided to have come fun.)

(Sam did a hawk, Leo did a eagle, and I did a peacock.)

(Turns out, while on patrol, Red was attacked by a eagle.)

(Needless to say, he had one of his many metal breakdowns.)

(Sunny didn't help at all.)

('It's the eagle, Red. It's back to haunt you..')

(He then prceeded to take a running start and dive behind the big bot couch.)

(Dad was trying not to laugh at his expense.)

xxxx

Rule #491: Contrary to what you see in anime, fighting in a mini-skirt won't not work well at all.

(Anime lies...horribly.)

(So, Sunny, Sides, and Jazz...stop asking me to fight 'Cons in a mini-skirt.)

(I don't feel like showing any of the cons my regions, my happy button, or whatever the hell you want to call it!)

xxx

Rule #492: Once again, never quote Mythbusters.

(Still one of the best shows on TV.)

*'Everyday is the fourth of July!' (Trust me, it is.)  
*''The Mythbusters workout consists of working out with scientific equipment whilst thinking about them at the same time. Building your mind and your body!' (Wheeljack found that quite useful.)  
*''There she goes! Our little tetrahedron of death!' (That is my new nickname, courtesy of the Lambo twins.)(Dad was confused and alarmed when they called me that in front of him.)  
*'Experiments get more fun when I get bigger gun!' (Lennox now keeps all weapons under lock and key.)  
*'I wouldn't say Ratchet's an evil genius…I'm not sure he's evil, and I'm not sure he's a genius.'  
*'Daddy! Daddy! Can I try it this time? Can I blow the bullet up? can I? Can I? really I can try!' (I had about five mochas that day.)  
*'Ah, the old _NEST_ motto: when in doubt, add something heavy.'  
*'Our death ray doesn't seem to be working right. I'm standing right in it, and I'm not dead yet.'  
*'Yet again we're blowing things up in front of my base. And not only that but there are noxious chemicals involved which will probably leave a residue over the whole block and, um…I guess it's okay. I'm getting used to it. So are the neighbors.' (Dad.)  
*'I think we need to get professional help…then maybe find some rocket experts.'  
*'Oh my God, it's level! (It fell over.) Awww...' (Mikaela cracked me up.)  
*'Yup, business as usual. 60 pounds of force across the knuckles is going to sting a little.' (Sam and I learned that the hard way.)(Goddamn, that hurt so bad!)  
*'Let's egg him on until he hurts himself. That's always fun.' (You can pick whoever fits this quote.)  
*'Damn this is a sexy machine!' (Just trust me, never say this.)(Especially if Sunny is in the room.)  
*'Yet another everyday household item turned deadly.' (It's shocking how true that statement is.)  
*'For some reason...I have the desire to smash them on my head.' (Keep me away from aluminum pans.)(Sarah got so pissed.)('Stop smashing my pans over your hard ass head!')(I was shocked that she swore.)  
*'Holy crap…run!' (Another Ironhide 'Uh-oh.' moment.)  
*'Well, it's weird talking without any oxygen in your system…WOW!' (Again, no helium for the boys.)(They use it way too much.)(To the point where Leo almost passed out.)  
*'It's the toy every kid wants for Christmas! A Container Ship! "Gee, thanks dad! Now I can replicate _international commerce_!' (Only Sam would think of that.)(Who doesn't wanna replicate international commerce?)  
*'It's always a good day when you start it at the bomb range.'  
*'How many of me can you stand?' (Prowl refused to comment.)

(Once again, Wheeljack is no longer allowed to watch this show.)

xxx

Rule #493: All songs from the band Psychostick are BANNED!

(Except I do sing the song 'Beer!' quite often.)

(There is however a eight second song called 'Vah-jay-jay', and Sunny won't stop singing it.)

(I don't know whether to laugh or throw something at him.)

('I like beer because it's good...I drink beer because I should..')

xxx

Rule #494: Never quote any of the Austin Powers movies.

(Like I said before, way way back...just don't.)

*'Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?' (I swear Ratchet has no much anger.)  
*'She's the village bicycle! Everybody's had a ride.' (Never say to Chromia.)(If anybody attempts, I simply say the following.)('Do you wanna die?')  
*'I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.'  
*'That really hurt! I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot! Who throws a shoe? Honestly! You fight like a woman!' (Heeheehee.)  
*'Pardon me for being rude. It was not me, it was my food. It just popped up to say hello, and now it's gone back down below.' (Will, no more boiled eggs!)  
*'The 70s and the 80s? You're not missing anything, believe me. I've looked into it. There's a gas shortage and A Flock of Seagulls. That's about it.'  
*'Well, you make me many things but sleepy's not one of them.'

(Bumblebee loves playing, 'Yeah, baby yeah!' over and over again.)

xxx

Rule #495: Never ask Prowl how many numbers are in 'pi.'

(*sigh* Damn him and his logic!)

(I was incredibly impressed when he managed to tick off 156 numbers.)

(I could only get to 99.)

(My processor is still sore.)

xxx

Rule #496: NEVER quote Ren and Stimpy.

(And also, never watch it when there are small children and or sparkling's on base.)

(Some of the episodes even made me go, 'Wow...')

*'Can you spare a cup of protoplasm?' (No, no I can't.)  
*'Now shut up and look stupid.' (Sunny.)  
*'How can he possibly resist the maddening urge to eradicate history at the mere push of a single button? The beautiful, shiny button? The jolly, candy-like button? Will he hold out, folks? Can he hold out?' (Apparently, Miles and other people of NEST enjoy pushing various buttons.)(I probably shouldn't taunt them.)  
*'Ain't that cute...BUT IT'S WRONG!' (Please, Sunny, Sides, stop saying that whenever I am trying to talk to my Dad.)(I will end up throwing something incredibly heavy and sharp at you two!)  
*'YOU SICK LITTLE MONKEY!'  
*'And please give me a million dollars, and a fridge with a padlock and, oh yeah, huge pectoral muscles.' (Oh Sam.)(You and your fantasies.)  
*'Quick, man! Cling tenaciously to my buttocks!' (Lennox to Epps.)(Epps looked slightly disturbed.)  
*'How do you think George Washington fit into his party dress? *Salve*!'  
*'Organized ignorance, eh?'  
*'Just... one... squeeze... AAAAH! It's happening again! MY BRAIN! MY HOT... STINGING... BRAIN!'  
*' Hey, look, Sam! We're earning another badge: The "Falling On Jagged Rocks" Badge!'

(Fun times.)

(Dad was kind of shocked we found this show funny.)

('Are they consuming human brains?')

(Bwahahaha!)

xxx

Rule #497: Never shove cotton balls in your mouth as a dare or contest.

(The winner has to say 'Chubby bunny!' without spilling any of the cotton balls out of their mouth.)

(Sam and Leo were doing it.)

(Their cheeks were very puffy.)

(Ratchet wanted to know where all the cotton balls went.)

(I simply said, 'You don't wanna know...')

xxx

Rule #498: When watching Avatar, never call the mecha machines 'Cybertronian sexy toys.'

(I don't know Leo why said it.)

(Although it was freaking funny as hell!)

(But now at least Ironhide likes the movie...)

(Wait, wait...ew.)

xxx

Rule #499: Never leave the following crap inside your guardians:

* Various make-up  
* Cups (starbucks, Jamba Juice, McDonalds, etc.)  
* clothes  
* Toys (Annabelle.)  
* C.D.s  
* Shoes

(Barricade finally complained to Dad.)

('Ever since I became Tai's guardian, I've essentially become a big purse...')

(I laughed so hard!)

(Even Dad couldn't hold back a small grin.)

(XD!)

xxx

And finally, rule #500: Never, and I repeat, never, spray paint 'Party Bus' on Ratchet's hood.

(I have no idea why Miles and Leo seem to have a death wish..)

(Although, it was freaking epic!)

(They are now legends at pranking!)

(Ratchet did not find it all that funny.)

(Although, everyone else did..)

xx

So, all in all, living with Giant robots is a challenge, yet incredibly fun and entertaining. Just follow these simple rules and you should have no problem.

Primus be with you all.

Love,

Tatyana Witwicky/Prime

xxx

HOLY CRAP!

500 rules! I made it to 500! *confetti, trumpets, and various other loud joyous things*

I'm done! Done and done!

Of course, I would never have made it without everyone's support!  
Thank you so much to all my loyal readers!

Loves and kisses!

Review!


	26. Rule 488

One shot! Like I promised!  
BTW check out my page and you will find a drawing my amazing, talented friend, Jade, drew for me of Tai!

Once again, I own nadda!

Enjoy!

xxx

Rule #488: Never quote Kevin James.

xxx

Prowl growled to himself as he once again had to type a report to General Morshower.

'Teenagers and their lack of boundaries..' He muttered under his breath, adding the finishing touch to the list of now banned items from NEST headquarters for Tai to write down in her report, 'The Guidelines for living with giant robots'. Rubber bands now graced the list. Ultra Magnus was still in the med bay after getting one lodged into his optic by their dear Techno-organic , Miss Tatyana Topaz Prime. She was currently oput at the moment, which was a good thing most likely, Ratchet was getting sick of Tai and her need to injure important mechs...ones that weren't her father anyway.

'Okay, so tell me..where is she again?' Jazz asked, playing with Sparrow, who appeared to have a little kitty hat on her small head.

'She went to a place of business so she can deposit her credits.' Optimus explained, smiling himself when he watched Sparrow try to pin down her dad's finger but was failing quite miserably.

'Huh?' Jazz asked in major confusion.

'Bank.' The voices of Sam and Will said at the same time, both of them engrossed in a video game.

'Got'cha, you know Prime, you could've just said bank and I woulda figured it out..' Jazz gave him an amused look while Optimus gave him a simple 'Prime look.'

'God, I hope it goes better than it did last time.' Sam said, getting everyone's attention.

'What happened last time?' Lennox asked, growling when he was once again passed by Yoshi on the screen.

'She started humming the Mission Impossible music and darted between the ropes...sure she was first in line, but the people behind her were pissed...' He smiled triumphantly when he won again, ignoring Will's death glare. 'Hilarious as hell though.'

A rumble of an engine reached everyone's audio receptors or ears. Sparrow perked up, her bright green optics lighting up as she heard the familiar squeaking of her mommy's converse shoes. The door opened, revealing Tai and Barricade. Sparrow leapt up excitedly and ran towards her, squealing excitedly, 'Momma! Momma!'

Tai smiled a big smile at the sight of her daughter and met her half way, with her arms open. 'Sparrow! Sparrow!' She scooped the little white and gray x-box femme up and held her as high as she could. 'Oh, you're gettin' bigger everyday!' The little femme clicked in joy at her Mom's words and hugged her legs as she was set down.

'Hey guys!' She waved, blowing a kiss to both Jazz and Optimus.

'Hey babe!' Jazz said with a big smile on his metal face.

'Hello sweetheart.' Optimus said with a smile himself. 'How was your trip to the bank?'

Barricade let out a gruff snort while Tai's eye and optic widened slightly. 'Oh...it went well..' She said with a sheepish look. Optimus gave her a bemused stare.

'You got kicked out.' The ex-con said to the techno-organic, who immediately glared at her gruff guardian.

'It went well.' She gave him a look of death as she talked, her optic and eye turning to the lightening blue when she got annoyed.

'You got kicked out.' Barricade repeated, unphased by her death glare.

'IT...WENT...WELL!' She said loudly through gritted teeth. 'Douche bag!'

'YOU...GOT...KICKED...OUT!' He said again, in the same tone. 'Bitch!'

'Now, now!' Lennox exclaimed. 'No name calling, children!'

'There are sensitive audio receptors in the room!' Sam gasped, covering Sparrow's little receptors over her kitty hat. 'And what do you mean you got kicked out?'

Tai shrugged, acting like it was no big deal. 'I just verbally abused another customer that walked in...nothing out of the ordinary..'

Optimus raised an optic ridge. 'Verbally abused?'

'Yeah! You know, when you're the only person in the bank...and you guys know me, I never go prepared, I never have those deposit forms filled out, so I'm just standing there, then I have a freaking anxiety attack when someone else walks in...'

Tai then mimicked she was in the bank, jotting something down on an imaginary piece of paper, her eye and optic darting over to an invisible person in panic.

'No! No! No!' She then stretched her leg out, as if to block someone from getting into a certain spot. 'No! No! Drop it!'

Sam, Jazz, and Will were about pissing themselves laughing while Optimus and Barricade stared in confusion.

'DROP THE PEN LADY!' Tai then yelled. 'No, I'm not gonna be last in line because I'm having trouble spelling thirteen, okay?'

She then straightened up and was back to normal.

'Yeah, so long story short, they kindly asked me to 'Get the fuck out!', gave me my money, and I left..' She shrugged. At the sight of her father's very unamused glare, she ducked her head and scurried out of the room, Sparrow on her heels.

'Just when I thought she couldn't get any weirder...' Sam muttered.

xxx

This was hilarious to write!  
Enjoy everyone!


	27. Rule 309

Okay, I have been wanting to do this one for a while!  
Everyone really liked this one so why not?

Once again, I own nothing but Tai!

And Fantasy is owned by my good friend, Fantasyaddict101! Read her stories, they rock!

Onward!

xxx

Rule #309: Never say that Starscream looks like a giant Dorito chip.

xxx

Optimus Prime in relaxation in the Recreational room of the NEST headquarters, watching a show called 'The Big Bang theory' with his daughter, Tatyana, her friend Fantasy, Sam, Miles, and Leo.

'Oh, glow in the dark tampons!' The character Sheldon exclaimed, causing both girls to burst out into hysterical laughter while the three boys and Optimus shook their heads in amusement.

'Who wants chips?' Leo exclaimed, holding up a huge bag of Cooler Ranch Doritos.

Both Tai and Fantasy held out their hands eagerly, adding the puppy face for good measure. After pouring a large amount into each of their hands, Leo turned back to Sam and Miles as they began munching on their own chips. Optimus decided to not say anything, he didn't approve of the high fatty content and sodium in those snacks of course but he wanted to be what the humans called, 'A cool Dad.' Besides, he'd let Prowl and Ratchet deal with the snacks thing later.

The sounds of munching and crunching reached his receptors as the teens ate the chips contently. Looking down, he noticed Tatyana just staring at the perfectly triangular shaped food, looking deep in thought.

Sam seemed to notice too. 'Tai, what are you doing?'

'Thinking.' She responded without looking away from the chip.

'That is either good or really bad.' Fantasy chimed in, her mouth full of doritos. 'But I must know, what is you thinking, lady?'

'Have either of you guys noticed that Starscream looks like a giant dorito?'

The room was very quiet for a few minutes.

'Huh?' Leo asked in confusion, nearly choking.

'I'm just saying, he looks like a frickin' giant dorito!' Tai exclaimed, holding up the chip for all to see. Sunstreaker, who was walking by, stopped in his tracks.

'Who likes like a what now?' He asked in curiosity. Tai craned her neck to look up at him and gave him a cheeky grin.

'Starscream looks like a giant dorito!' She declared, standing up and showing off the food morsel.

Sunny studied the small food intensely. 'Well, let us take a lookie see!'

Tapping his helmet, he activated his holographic projector , producing a 3D picture of Starscream and comparing the two of them. 'Well, I'll be fragged..' He muttered. 'He is.'

That made the five teens burst out into hysterical fits of laughter, nearly choking them in the process. Optimus became concerned when he saw Tai's face turn a bright red color as tears streamed down her face. Sam wasn't fairing any better, he was on his side as his laughter started to increase tenfold. Loud coughing escaped him as chip particles got stuck in his throat.

'Sam!' Optimus exclaimed. 'Are you alright?'

Sam was laughing through his choking, thumping himself on the chest. 'Totally fine! Eating chips while laughing my ass off is a bad thing!'

Tai inhaled loudly as she tried to get her laughter under control. 'Starscream...giant dorito...so damn funny!'

A thought just hit Sunny as he tried to get his laughter under control.

'I think ol' Screamer earned himself a new nickname!'

xx

Word spread fast around NEST about the 'Giant Dorito of Doom'. Everyone, even Ironhide and Optimus, started calling the seeker that.

But of course, the use of the famous dorito nickname was to never be used outside of NEST or at meetings of any kind.

But sometimes, thing just slip out.

'Good morning, General.' Will Lennox greeted, arriving in the meeting room.

'Morning, Will.' General Morshower greeted with a nod.

'So, I think we finally have a plan to take out the Giant Dorito of dom..' Will started out, not even thinking about what he was saying.

'The giant what?' The General asked, looking and sounding incredibly confused.

'Starscream!' The Major quickly corrected himself. 'I meant to say Starscream..that's what I meant..' he tried to ignore the sniggering behind him.

'Giant Dorito of Doom?' The general pondered on that name for a second. 'Well, after seeing him up close, I must say...I do agree..'

Lennox was baffled.

_Wow...just when I thought things couldn't get any weirder..._

xxx

Not my best but hey...it's pretty good!

Review!


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